family . tbz

三十

nightmares, but it's not the kids'

~

he stared out the window and watched as all the scenery that rolled by slowly came to a halt, he was met with yet another unfamiliar house, he was that this was the seventh one this year (if he counted correctly), but i didn't even matter anymore. he bet that he would probably be forced to move again soon. he'd give it three months max.

sighing, he got out of the car and followed the same red shirt lady with the name 'SOCIAL SERVICES' painted in bold on the back of the shirt in bright yellow. he held his worn out blue backpack in one hand and dragged a trash bag of his belongings in another, gaze glued to the concrete floor.

walking up to the unfamiliar house, he heard the doorbell ring, and the door creak open. he saw two pairs of feet from his view of the ground. he heard yet another pair of sickeningly sweet voices chirp at him, welcoming him to their home, introducing themselves, doing everything they possibly could to make themselves look like worthy parents in front of the social worker.

he didn't say a word when they asked for his name. he didn't say a word when he was escorted inside.
he didn't say a word when he was shown his room. he didn't say a word when they asked him questions.
he never looked up, not once in the whole day he was there.

just like how his previous owners had harshly taught him to do. they were going to be like the rest — crude, money hungry, wicked — just like every other foster home he had been shoved into.

he would probably be shouted and screamed at to be grateful that he even had a place to sleep in and edible food to eat. he would probably get kicked out or sent back after they deemed that he was no longer useful as extra cash or as a toy.

so, he never bothered to look up, never bothered to get to know the people, never bothered to socialise with them. because he knew, and he knew all too well, that the moment he looked up, the sky would fall and he would have to repeat the whole process from the beginning yet again.

.

the scene flashed as he blinked his eyes, it'd been three weeks since he had moved into this home. his trash bag still filled with his belongings, never unpacked. he was sitting down on the living room chair, being yelled at hit with a flip-flop to the head for spilling ice cream all over the floor. but, thing is, he wasn't the one who spilled it on the floor. it was their six year old biological daughter—she had knocked his bowl over on purpose—who was snickering at the other end of the living room just watching.

this was probably the worst house he'd been at so far. well that's what he said with every new house he was transferred to, but to his defence, every new house he went to was worse than the last, could you blame the boy?

this was the worst he had been treated so far. the ice cream incident caused the house owners to revoke his rights to the bedroom — it lasted longer than he thought it would — and had made him reside in the unheated basement. in winter. without extra clothes, padding, not even a blanket.

just in a white cotton shirt.

~

jacob jolted awake, panting heavily. he had sweat dripping down his forehead and dried tears staining his cheeks. it was mid fall by now, but the room felt so hot.

damn it. that damned dream again. he'd always get flashbacks like those around this time of year. it had already been nearly two decades, yet why couldn't he get over it already? something so far back in his past, he should have left those memories behind long ago, but why do they still keep appearing?

especially that one. that horrendous one. he could feel his body shaking, he could hear his rapidly beating heart.

he desperately wanted his husband by his side at moments like these, moments like these where he needed to be loved and cherished and cuddled. sangyeon always helped him when jacob got nightmares. he used to snuggle him and let jacob be the small spoon, he used to lull him to sleep with his soothing angelic voice. he wanted sangyeon by his side. but sangyeon wasn't, couldn't and isn't by his side. he was in another country, many kilometres away probably, on a business trip. another one. another business trip right after the previous one had ended not too long ago.

he rolled over and curled himself up, hugging a big bolster as he snuggled his face into it and closed his eyes, trying his very best to go back to sleep.

but memories of times he didn't want to remember, kept flashing before his eyes and playing out in his head, making jacob wince. cry.

cry.

all jacob could do was cry. all he was capable of doing was to cry, away from the eyes of everyone else. he was so weak, he thought. he was so weak because he couldn't face his problems like the real man he was supposed to be, but could only ever cry and break down like the coward he never wished to become.

gosh this sounds so egotistical right now, but sometimes, jacob really wished he had someone to hold him tight in their embrace, whisper sweet nothings to him and kiss his head and forehead and cheeks just to make him feel alright. sometimes, jacob wished he had someone to cradle him, just like how he cradles his children whenever they were sad.

sometimes, especially on nights like these, sometimes, he wished that he had someone to hold him tight.

~

^ would you look at that, i forget wednesday so often i should just start making this book have thursday updates instead.
^ WAS going to write pt2 to the last chapter but it just wasn't going the way i wanted it to so we have this instead lol,,
^ i have a plot, i swear, just give it time,,,,

^ ANYWAYS, i hope you guys are having a wonderful day/night!