MY OBSESSION | P.J.M

40.

Jimin

[No hard feelings]

I can't say that I regret leaving with certainty.

In high school, I won a scholarship abroad for doing well academically and knowing what kind of opportunities that would give me I felt compelled to go. It wasn't selfish of me to go, but leaving the way I did was the most egocentric act I've ever committed. Despite knowing that I didn't do anything wrong, I full-heartedly regret leaving in the way that I did. Sometimes I regret leaving altogether. Even though I didn't cause the accident, I can't help but to that it would never have taken place if I simply didn't leave. She wouldn't have come running after me if I didn't go in the first place.

Back when I was younger, I believed that my biggest weakness was my own brain, precisely my intelligence. I made great efforts to graduate with good grades, which I lucky succeded at, so much so that I landed multiple scholarships. As grateful as I was, I couldn't bring myself to be happy. Although my name was written on all of them, they never felt mine. How could someone like me win all of them, let alone one? I was at the top of my class, yet I felt like I was deserving of being at the bottom. I grew afraid of everyone's judgment. I was afraid that everyone else was going to see through me. I was terrified that someone would come to me and expose me for how I really am; a stupid and undeserving individual.

How could I've been the only one who was aware of all the things I was lacking? I started to grow suspicious of everyone around me. They must've been pretending to be oblivious. I saw y/n under the same light. She knew how stupid and untalented I was- she was merely pretending to not know. My growing suspicions got to the point I could no longer trust anyone, not even myself. Considering the fact that I was going to leave, I decided that it was for the best if she and I broke up, which we did. We promised to not hold any hard feelings against each other and I feel like we both handled it well. I could tell that y/n was slightly frustrated but she ultimately believed that we both should do what was best for ourselves.

I was afraid that I was going to look like a failure in front of people I cared for if I couldn't fulfill my own goals, which is why I decided to not tell anyone about my departure until it was set in stone. Taehyung was the only one that knew what I was up to. Of course, I didn't want him to know either, but keeping secrets around him was impossible when we hung out together day and night. Additionally, he had a way of collecting evidence and figuring things out.

There's a reason why he's a detective now.

Now in retrospect, I wish that I at the very least told y/n.

Since moving back to my home, my mind has been filled with all kinds of thoughts. Almost all of these thoughts concern y/n. Maybe if I told everyone what I was up to, perhaps if I bid everyone goodbye her accident wouldn't have happened.

I also left on bad terms with Taehyung, which I regret deeply. After y/n and I broke up, he boldly confessed his crush on y/n to me. At first, I was mad. I was furious, even. He was my best friend and she was my ex. We fought a lot over it, I couldn't understand where we found the audacity to mutter up such words, let alone feel like that towards her during the time we were together. He swore up and down that he never did anything towards her that could suggest such feelings for her, the only reason why he confessed was because I was going to leave, and he thought that deserved to know. Midst of my anger, I regretfully said that he could have her because I knew from the bottom of my heart that she was going to reject him. It wouldn't hurt anyone if I said that she is all for him now if he so wishes, right?

Wrong.

After a while I couldn't justify my anger: I do not own these people, I cannot stop them from seeing each other if they both so wish. I still hoped that nothing would happen between the two of them because I still loved her during that time.

It took a lot to straighten things out between him and I, somehow we managed to come to a peaceful agreement: no hard feelings. And that's how we left it. I guess we were both fools to believe that there would be zero hard feelings between us, even bigger fools for thinking that it would work out peacefully.

While I was abroad, I heard from Taehyung about y/n's accident. By the time I knew about it, it was already too late for me to go back. I had just started and could not stop without losing my place, and losing my scholarship would equal to me failing. My future would be lost if I traveled back. I begged Taehyung to lay our own problems aside so he could take care of her in my place. I asked him as a friend if he could do that while I was as gone, to which he gladly agreed.

If only past me knew what this meant, I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath.

I thought nothing more of it, as long as someone was there to take care of her, I felt at peace. The problems arose when Taehyung would stop sending me updates unless I asked, which was odd because he used to send me all kinds of updates on her without me asking, or correctly said, demanding updates. We would fight about that too and had to form a contract because of it.

The lack of trust in each other changed many things between us. This would eventually lay the foundation for our current friendship, or our relationship that seems to be strictly business. I mustn't contact her for the sake of y/n's recovery, and he mustn't date her for the sake of our friendship. The baseline is simple, nothing about it is complicated, we only formed this promise to hold each other accountable.

Because our agreement, I couldn't visit her, let alone contact her. But it's been years, according to Taehyung, she's much better now but still in need of medical help.

Past me made mistakes; it's up to the present me to do better. It's only right of me to pay y/n a visit. But strangely enough, Taehyung has been adamant about me not seeing y/n. His line of logic was that she mustn't meet anyone for the sake of her recovery. He explained that her doctors thought it would be in y/n's favor if she didn't possess any form of contact with anyone that could potentially recall unpleasant memories, as those types of memories would lead to trauma and ruin her chance of recovery. He added that it was for the best if she could naturally regain her memories and herself, whatever that meant. I never quite understood him, but I didn't question it either. It was a stressful time for everyone, I didn't want to worsen the situation.

I was afraid that my face, or my voice, would remind her of our hardships together and that those memories would set her back. How could I possibly take that risk?

But I've grown too suspicious of taehyung, I know that he's hiding something from me. There's something I don't know of, whatever that is, I will figure it out.

What have you done Taehyung? Why do I sense a form of distance in your words?

~D

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