MY OBSESSION | P.J.M

42.

Y/n

[groceries]

I know that love isn't everything and that I can live without it. But that still doesn't change the fact that it's something I don't have and it hurts a little every time I think about it.

Despite this being my reality, my life, and my problems, I'm not capable of doing anything about it. Like a puppet I had people playing with my strings, pulling me towards a life destined for suffering. I was dragged until my strings ripped and then locked in when I no longer could entertain. I can't help myself at all because I didn't possess any control over my own strings, even though I thought I did. Everyone else got a say in how my life would play out except for me. My life wasn't my own from the very beginning and has never been mine.

But somehow the burden to heal is on me even though I never asked to be here in the first place. Somehow its in my responsibility to stitch my strings together.

I surprisingly managed to pull myself together enough to actually go home before it got dark after my breakdown. Anyone could tell that my apartment had stood vacant for a long time, not a single sign of life was present within those walls. I haven't been able to pay any bills, but kindly enough Taehyung had taken care of it while I was away. I'm quite surprised that he stepped in and help me with keeping my apartment, I seriously didn't think I would have a home to return to.

I never thought that I would feel so far away from home when I was standing right in the middle of the place I had lived since I graduated. I'm finally at home despite not feeling like I am, I stand there and wonder how I could long for this place and yet feel so empty once I was here again. It dawned on me right then and there that I probably didn't have a home that felt like mine.

I look into the fridge only to be met with water bottles filling up the top shelf.

Right, I need groceries.

I grab a tote bag and my wallet before putting my shoes on. I close the door and take my keys out to lock it but before doing so I quickly peek at the apartment door next to mine and in an instant I'm reminded of everything again. I was flooded with all kinds of emotions and I could see him standing there smiling at me.

Before being released I had asked Taehyung if someone lived there before I got hospitalized and he said that the apartment had stood empty for years.

I whispered, "You're not real." and just like that, he vanished just as quickly as he had appeared. I stood there utterly disappointed, I knew he wasn't real yet I so desperately wished he was more than just an illusion that I had managed to create in the slipt of a second. Not a single soul had lived there, yet I managed to fill that house with a person who no longer exists.