The Sound of Her Heartbeat

13. Unburden

Shaylin's pov:

I'm a bit dumbfounded right now. What is she even saying? "Jen, what are you even... talking about?"

"What I just said" She answered in her usual monotone voice, looking down.

I scoffed in confusion, said in a soft tone "You're in love.. with me? But we're.. bestfriends.."

"And?" She asked in a cold voice, still looking away. Her voice feels like she's exhausted with everything and doesn't care anymore.

She quickly looked at me, saying "I'll be inside" then immediately went into the living room. I saw her eyes, she wasn't lying, she doesn't know how to, especially to me. 

"Me?" I whispered, still trying to process this. For all these years, all our friendship, she has been in love with ME?  

Oh god, is this why she thought that I'd hate her? I mean, it's obviously weird for me to abosorb it so suddenly after all these years but I.. I certainly don't hate her, I could NEVER hate her, she needs to know that. I looked inside, she is just sitting cross legged on the couch like a baby.

I got myself together, went inside and slowly sat beside her on the couch. She is quiet, looking down and sitting still, I don't see any nervousness or fidgeting like earlier. 

"Jen?" I called her very softly. She looked at me, there is so much insecurity in her eyes that it's obvious she's hurting. 

I slowly shook my head and asked "Why did you think that I'd hate you for this?"

She looked down again, looking so sad that it's hurting me. "Please say something" I pleaded, I can't see her hurting like this no matter what.

"Cause I've always been so selfish" she started to talk in a broken voice.

She took a moment, then kept on talking - "You thought that I always wanted you to myself because I'm like, one of those overly attached bestfriends, but you never knew that I got romantically jealous of anyone who got close to you"... "I never told you what it is but kept disrupting your love life."

She took a pause and said "I hogged you all to myself, without explaining anything, and you STILL kept loving me, sacrificing everything for me".... "I don't deserve you.. I don't..." she said that shaking her head.

Oh for fuck's sake, has she been feeling guilty like this all these years?! 

I needed to think for a while, then finally spoke "Do you know how I see it? You had feelings for me since the beginning, yet protected me from ever feeling sad or lonely without confessing ever, because you valued our friendship more than your crush on me."

"God you endured so much!" I continued with a tone of genuine realization "Despite your feelings, you saw me going on dates, being close to others, talking about them to YOU after and you still kept it to yourself, because you knew, that at the end of the day, your friendship is what all I truly had."

Her eyes widened, guess no one ever put it like that, neither did she, for all she did was to feel guilty. 

"But Jen I need to ask you something something... even though you've had those feelings, what am I to you?" 

She immediately grabbed my hands and said "Shay you've always been my best friend, whatever I felt, our friendship never changed, Shay trust me..."

"I do" I stopped her "I trust you, and that's all I needed to know" I smiled at her. 

There is a few seconds of silence, then she let go off my hands and mewled "There is still.. something.. that could make you hate me."  

"Agh" I'm getting a little frustrated "now what?" I asked impatiently.

"Now that you know how I feel..." I can sense fear in her voice "every time I've stared at you, watched you, and um... been close to you... physically..." (gulp) "not all of them were... innocent."

"Oh?.." That kind of caught me off guard.

"Yeah.." She continues "Whenever you talked about guys, or worse.. went on a date, I lost my shit in insane jealousy because... well, I wanted to be that person."

She looked me at me with pure guilt "And so a lot of time when I was too 'close' to you or.. (cough) touched you.. it felt.. you know..." She couldn't finish it. There it is, that's why she is so hard on herself!  

She sneers at herself, looks at me and asks "Disgusted yet?"

I looked down, don't know why that question made me scoff, I sat close to her, really close that our legs are touching, she looks at me, a bit confused.

I took both her hands, slowly put them in the middle of my chest in a firm pressure, looked dead in her eyes and asked "Do I look disgusted?"

Her eyes look like they will pop out in disbelief, I can see tears there, I whispered "As I said Jen.. you can't make me hate you."

Just one second, and then she immediately broke down while hugging me, bawling her eyes out, sobbing loudly and uncontrollably like a baby, her tears soaked my shoulder!

Guess I finally helped her to lift off this years-long burden that has been ripping her apart from inside. I'm crying too, but in sympathy for my bestfriend. "Let it out" I whispered, softly stroking her hair while holding her head firmly on my shoulder. "it's okay, let it out, I'm here, I'm always here..."

*After a while*

I didn't close the balcony's door when I came in, a little rainy wind is coming in, cooling off the living room, this kinda feels nice. Jen has finally stopped crying. She is still hugging me. I asked her "How're you feeling?"

She took a few seconds and said "Peaceful..."