Pain Is Power

42: It Wasn't My Intention

I was back at the compound and I had to act like I wasn't crumbling inside. I had to stop flinching at my friend's touch. I had to keep my temper under control when training. I had to keep a smile on my lips and makeup on my face to cover what she broke. The only place I didn't have to do that was in Nat's arms. She had been such a big support for me over the past week. She doesn't bring up what happens unless I do and she never blames me for it. Despite the fact she warned me. 

Wanda and I have spoken about it a little but not to the extent she'd probably want me to open up to her. It wasn't anyone's burden to bear but mine. Currently, I was in the lounge with the girls we were playing scrabble. We completed our work for the day and it was raining so there was nothing we could really do other than play old board games. The boys are playing nerf wards around the compound and dad and Bruce are in the lab.

Kate was making up her own words and Yelena and I were using Russian words. Wanda was The only one playing by the proper rules and she was winning too. "I thought you'd be better at this. Haven't you got the dictionary memorised?" Kate teased. "My brain is like mush right now," I say. I've not been able to think clearly and it's showing. I'm forgetting things. I'm losing at scrabble. I couldn't focus on much right now. Wanda offered a sad smile. "I think we should play something else," Yelena says giving up. "Just because you're losing." "Am not. Miss I make up words is losing." "You both are making up words." "No, we're not." Yelena and I defend causing Wanda to laugh.

"Hey, kids. I brought dinner." Fear made me freeze. What was she doing here? She wasn't meant to be here. Nat said she had been fired. "Hey, baby." She pecked my cheek and couldn't move. "What are you doing here?" Wanda asked and then it all went a little blurry. The voices were muffled and my vision clouded with tears.

"You're safe." Nat? "Deep breaths." She spoke softly. Reality flashed back and I was breathing and hearing properly. I took deep breaths. "Mila?" Natasha asked. I looked around we were still in the lounge and the girls were looking at me like I was crazy.

"What happened?" "You just started having a panic attack. Are you okay?" She was here. I swear she was here. "I think you should go lay down," Wanda said I could feel her in my head. "Stay out of my mind Maximoff." I teased pretending to be okay but she was concerned the other two were confused. Nat's hand rested on my arm. "I second you going to lay down." "I'm fine...let's play something else," I say.

Nat stayed but didn't join in and I could feel Wanda in my head every so often. Eventually, it was dinner time and Clint held bags up as he went Ed the dining room. "Hey, kids. I brought dinner." I shivered. I had made myself see her. I had been messing with my own mind. Did she scare me that much? She wasn't worth having that control over me. I couldn't be scared of her. I was stronger than her. I was worth more than that. I didn't deserve to live in fear. So what if she came here. She couldn't hurt me. Not again. I couldn't let it happen. I shouldn't have let it happen. She said we get the love we deserve and I guess I got that wrong. I do deserve to be loved. I'm a good person. I'm not worth nothing...

"I'm not hungry." I excuse myself from the table and go to my room changing and heading to the track. I needed the feeling of freedom. I needed to run from my thoughts I needed to run from the looks of pity and concern and confusion. I needed to just be free. Free from all the chains that have been weighing me down.

When I stepped out I was immediately soaked but it didn't bother me. I jogged to the track and the. Pounded my feet as fast and hard as they would go making me move through the air at my full speed. The rain was hitting down on me and the cold winds were biting at my cheeks only being made worse by the rain. But it felt good.

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NATASHA's POV
Wanda explained what she thinks happened and she told me what she was thinking at the table before she suddenly up and left. I was glad she figured out her worth but now she was running in the rain. Wanda and I watched from the shelter of the compound as she ran lap after lap her speed not giving up once. The girl's stamina was impeccable no one here could compete with it except maybe Steve but he's like superhuman or whatever. She had a look of determination as she ran. I couldn't imagine the thoughts and feelings she was experiencing right now. Wanda had tried to get back into her head but she was pushing her out. She just kept running. An hour passed and Tony went out to get but she wouldn't give up her speed for him to talk to he tried to keep up with her but it lasted a few seconds before he was breathing heavily.