Pain Is Power

64: Noelle

I laid on Mila's chest just as I did most mornings taking in my blissful few moments before chaos erupts in our life. Her heart beats steadily missing a beat every three beats. I lay listening to the soothing sound, her fingers running from the roots to the ends of my hair, I hummed in enjoyment as she did this. "Morning." She said softly she was always awake before me but never got out of bed until I was awake so I could have the blissful moment that I craved. "Morning." Her lips pecked the top of my head and I looked up at her and she smiled. "Do you have to work today?" I asked her, some days she'd go in some days she wouldn't we didn't really have a set schedule in the week because P went to school but the weekend she was home the whole time so P could have both of our undivided attention.  

"I have to go in for a meeting this morning but I could meet you after for lunch." She compromised. I whined. "Nat, I have to work." "I know I just wished you didn't." She smiled sadly at me. Our door burst open and P ran in jumping on our bed as she did every morning. 

P and I have bonded she still was a mama's girl but she told me she loved me and let me put her to bed alone some nights and we spent time together it was nice we actually had a mother-daughter relationship and I savoured every moment of it. It was all I'd ever dreamed of having a proper family. I sit up and wrap my arms around my daughter pulling her into my chest. "Morning Mummy." She says planting a kiss on my cheek. "Good morning, sweetheart," I say pecking her cheek back. "Morning muma." She says settling on my lap. "Good morning my sweet girl." Mila greeted her slowly sitting up and reaching for her glasses that were on her bedside table. "Can we go see nanny and aunt Morgan tonight?" She asked. I looked at Mila. "Sure... If you go get ready for school and we leave on time today." She says giving P a smirk, I've taken P to school for the past two days alone because P has been taking forever to get ready in the morning. She scrambled out of my arms kissed her mum on the cheek before running to get ready. 

"She's getting so big." Mila pouted. I smiled at her, this is all I've known P as, I've seen pictures and Mila's showed me things in my mind but I've only known her as this sassy 6/7 year old. "I want my baby back." me too. I think I've missed out on all of that, the night feeds, sleepless nights, first steps, first words, milestone after milestone. I've missed everything about P. Although I have my family I've missed out on so much. Mila makes being a mum look so easy she's a true pro and it makes me wonder how I ever thought I couldn't do it. Not because it's easy but because Mila wouldn't have let me give up or ruin it she would have supported me through all the trying times just like I should have been there to support her but chickened out at the last minute. "Baby?" I looked at my wife and she smiled sadly at me. "Was I thinking too loud?" She nodded reaching to cup my face. "You're here now and you get to witness all of this. The dance shows, school graduations and class president elections. You get to be here for the majority of her life now and you've got to hold onto that. We can't go back and change the past but you can be present now." She explained softly stroking my cheek. "You're a great mum Natasha. She's lucky to have you." I smiled at her. She was always doing that, making me feel better despite it being completely my fault. "It's not your fault." She warned me before pecking my lips. "I've got to get ready otherwise I'll be running late." She chuckled as she climbed out of bed. 

We both got ready and whilst she was making breakfast for us I did P's hear, she prefered me doing it, I did braids in her hair that her muma didn't have time to do in the morning because she was doing a million and one things, such as making breakfast, lunches, taking Coco on a short walk, cleaning and making the beds. All I had to do was make sure she had her homework and was dressed and get myself ready. So naturally, hair duty fell to me too. It was nice to have some time with her every morning though. She'd come to sit on the floor in front of me in the lounge with her hair things and we'd have a chat about her dreams or what she was going to do at school that day it was nice bonding moments that I valued massively.