Pain Is Power

53: I'm Done

"I promised her I'd talk to someone and the only person I knew would maybe understand is you." She tells me. I've never seen Natasha look so run down and empty the bags under her eyes stood out against her pale complexion her lips were chapped and had been bleeding from where she keeps biting them. Her hair was devilish not even brushed and her clothes were days old. "What's going on Natasha?" I asked softly holding her hand across my desk. "I'm terrified." She sobbed her emotions taking over. "It's expected." I knew what she was talking about. "But I can't get past it. I'm scared something like that will happen again because I know her and I know it will, Peppa. She'll sacrifice herself to protect someone or she'll-" she rubbed her face frustration now taking over. "I'm going to hold her back. I'm going to hurt her and smother her and she's going to leave me but I love her too much. I can't let her do that and I don't know what to do because my chest just feels heavy and the fear is eating me alive." "You need to tell her." "I can't because she loves what she does. If I tell her she'll stop or she might hesitate and someone will get hurt or she'll get hurt because she's second-guessing and it'll be horrible." "You have to give somewhere Nat. You either tell her how you're feeling. She might take some more time off and you can work through this or you work through this with her working and you just trust she'll make smart decisions."

"How do you do it with Tony?" "I know he's an incredibly smart man and his calculated and the choices he makes will often have the best outcome so I trust in him when he goes out there. But that doesn't stop me from being scared. They have big jobs. You do too-"exactly I know what it's like to be out there. Adrenaline takes over and there's no thinking." "You all rely on your instincts. You have well-developed instincts because of what you've been through all the training and the prep work." "What if she just doesn't come home one day?" "Tony didn't." I remind her. "How do you let him go out there knowing it could happen again? How are you okay with him doing that." "Because he's saving the world... It would be selfish of me to keep him from doing that." "But why does it have to be her? She's done enough, she's dealt with enough and I have too and now I'm expected to sacrifice this." "No one is asking you to sacrifice anything," I say calmly. "If she goes out there I'm sacrificing our future each time I'm not by her side protecting her." "Natasha she would have done what she did whether you were next to her or not," I tell her, Morgan was at risk and she'd do anything for Morgan. "What happened was scary and sad and we were all desperately wanting her to wake up but if we lived in fear from that nothing would get done, Nat. She's not scared." "Because she's not being left behind. She has nothing to lose!" "She has you to lose Natasha." She waved me off. "Every feeling you have towards her she has them about you. So if you feel like you have something worth losing so does she. You think you have someone worth fighting for, so does she. You mean the world to her Nat." "But I'm replaceable she isn't she is the only-" She pulled her hair and rubbed her face in frustration before taking a breath. "She's the only person that makes me feel whole like I'm not a monster. She doesn't look at me like that. She makes me feel special and safe and no one has ever done that. She is irreplaceable to me. But for me to her... She could have anyone... literally anyone." "Does that not show you what you mean to her? That she chose you. You are that rare flower in a field of weeds to her Nat. You are special and important to her." She didn't believe me. 

"Baby!" Mimi was home and in a good mood... since she's been working again her moods picked up but Natasha's has gotten worse. Amelia was trying her best to support Natasha but she had no clue what was wrong, what had sent her into this downward spiral. "We'll talk later," I tell her patting her back as she wiped her face dry. "Where are you? Oh, you're in here." Her smile brighten the room. "Mason invited us over, wanna go? He said we can stay on the sofa." "No, you go though." Nat says. "I'll stay home with you." "Why?" "Because I've been at work all day and I missed you." She says softly. She had just gotten back she was still in her prep school outfit for her undercover intel mission. She had been assigned a new partner, Scott Lang... She's not impressed but she's a professional so she's getting on with it. Fury promised her when Nat passes her eval they'll be back to being mission partners which is all she cared about. "No, I don't want to." "You don't want to hang out with me?" "No." Natasha snapped at her. "Pause," Amelia said before backing out of the room.