If I Stay✔️

11

—Trigger Warning;
Mentions of Sexual assault| Rape.
Drugs.

L E O

The whispers grew louder upon my confession, entrapping my mind in their fight to be heard. Pushing me to the brink of insanity, everything was so loud, so consuming.

Don't tell him—

Focusing my attention on Emilio, I heaved a heavy breath, grounding myself, preparing myself for the abundance of questions he surely had.

I could see the gears turning in his head, as he stared at me with those captivating grey eyes, his gaze burning deeply into mine; teary and filled with sorrow.

"You told him no?" He whispered, his voice sounding pained. His hand squeezed mine tightly, as his eyes roamed my face, searching for an answer I'd yet to give. "What do you mean?" He asks, though I can tell deep down, he knows the extent of my words.

Pulling my eyes from his, I focused my gaze on our enclosed fingers, brushing my thumb gently along his knuckles, savouring the warmth he made me feel. All whilst wondering if I gave him the same feeling.

"I didn't want to do it," I said, my voice void of all emotion as the numbness sank in.

I couldn't find it in me to utter that four letter word, because deep down, I wasn't sure if it were even true. I didn't stop him from taking what he wanted the first time, I'd go as far to say that I gave it to him almost willingly, so how could it be rape? I told him no each and every time after the first, but how could I claim he took something from me, when it was something I'd already given to begin with?

"Leo..."

"The first time," I began, swallowing the building lump in my throat. "I let him." I paused, trying to gage Emilio's reaction, wondering when the disgust would show. "At least, I think I did."

My hands began to tremble as flashbacks plagued my mind, his words embedding themselves my brain.

"Marco stop!"

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want this, I... it's too much."

"Don't you want to get better Le? For Lily? For your brothers? I'm doing this to help you and you keep pushing me away."

"... I don't understand how this will help."

"If you want to feel something, then you can't keep telling me to stop. I just want to help you, why won't you let me? I've been a good friend so far haven't I? Don't you want to get better?"

"I don't think this is the right way."

"This is the only way Le. I promise, this will make you feel better."

"I—"

"Leo, just shut the fuck up and let me help you!"

How could I be so stupid? So naive. Why did I let my fear and guilt get the best of me? I let him do it, I let him continue. Did I feel a sense of debt? Yes, I felt like I owed it to Marco, after everything he'd done for me; standing by me when my brothers hadn't, telling me the words I wished they could have. I felt like I had to give him something in return. That, and I was too terrified to stop him, too weak to say a simple two letter word. That same word he ignored, to this day, time and time again.