If I Stay✔️

55

A/N: sorry for the delay! I hope the next 9300+ words make up for it x

trigger warning: mentions of alcohol, underage drinking, slight mature scenes and language, anxiety, abuse, mental illness, suicide.

A C E

Callan and Alex sat in silence beside me on the glass covered sofa, anxiety rolling off Callan in waves, whilst Alex remained his normal calm self. I could feel my walls closing in, the shaking in my hands alerting me that the darkness was coming.

My emotions were heightened beyond my control and right now, I wanted nothing more than to curl in a ball and soothe my racing heart beat with another litre of whiskey. I knew drinking wouldn't solve any of my problems, but it did aid in keeping my anxiety at bay.

With Leo being gone, my nerves were shattered. I needed familiarity, I needed him home where I knew he was safe. None of my siblings knew the extend of my fears, not even Alex. He knew most, but not all. He knew I had nightmares that terrorised me on a weekly basis, those same nightmares I'd had my whole childhood, but he never knew just how bone chilling those dreams could be.

I'd wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, my pillow soaked from my tears whilst my clothes stuck to me like a second skin. Every nightmare was the same: my siblings, dead. Me, left alone, living in a world without them. My biggest and only fear. The images were so real: their pale faces, lifeless bodies, each of them surrounded by a pool of blood. I couldn't share the details of my dreams with Alex. The main reason being I couldn't bring myself to speak of them in fear of my dreams becoming reality. All he knew, was once a week, I'd drag my pale, sweat covered, body into his bedroom in the middle of the night, my eyes still red and puffy as I crawled under his duvet, clinging to him like a fearful child.

He never questioned me. Whether that be because he knew I couldn't speak my horrors aloud, or because he was scared of the answer, I'm not sure. But I'm thankful for it nonetheless. He always knew how to react in my moments of weakness. He'd wrap his arms around me, whispering that he was here before silence came upon us, but the silence of his touch, his comfort and love, spoke more to me than any words ever could.

I craved comfort regularly, a fact that all of my siblings knew though I'd never voiced it. But the one thing they never knew, was that Alex was, and always would be, the only one I'd allow myself to be vulnerable with.

It's not that I'm too proud to admit that I'm struggling, not really. The rest of my siblings had enough going on in their lives, especially Leo, Jack and Lily. The last thing any of them needed was to be burdened with my childish problems on top of everything else.

Yet here I am, drunk out of my mind causing them more grief than necessary.

Why am I such an asshole?

T H I R D  P E R S O N

The living room remained silent after Zac left. Callan had sat himself on the opposite side of Ace to Alex, being wary of the glass fragments still scattered across the sofa. Maybe I should vacuum first? He didn't quite know where to begin, or how to get Ace to open up to him. Alex had always been the only one of them all that knew Ace's mind best. But, unluckily for Callan, Alex seemed just as lost as he did.

Callan absentmindedly twiddled his thumbs, what do I say? He'd never been in this position before, not really. Sure there had been times throughout the years when his siblings would come to him for advice, but that was more for what Callan would deem as silly things. Things like fashion; sport, girls, or in Lily's case, boys, specifically Rafe. Which, whilst he found it both amusing and soul destroying that his little sister confided in her protective older brother for boy advice, he coped surprisingly well. And, dare he say it, gave out the best possible advice she could receive. He was good with giving his opinion on silly things. This, however, was a whole different ball game.