If I Stay✔️

70

L I L Y

Saturday March 19th -

I toss and turn in bed, wrapping myself in the blankets before kicking them back off again. My whole body feels restless, a stark comparison to the dullness of my overworked mind.

I want to zone out, to fall into a dreamless sleep and forget about the fact that my brother — my twin, seems like he wants nothing to do with me. Tears prickle in my eyes at my own reminder. I don't know why Leo's so reluctant to talk to me, why every glance he sends me feels like it physically pains him.

I want to go back to how things used to be.

I want the Leo that tells me how much he loves me. I want the same boy that wished for me to be home again, the boy who washed my hair for me when I physically couldn't. The boy that brushed away all the knots from my curls, reassuring me that every thing would be okay, as he dried each damp strand.

What happened to him — to us?

What happened to our bond that formed within days, the same bond that felt unbreakable?

The tears cascade down my cheeks, an unbelievable pressure forming in the depths of my chest — my heart. I know my brothers have been keeping secrets, I know there's more to Leo's story that anyone of them have allowed for me to believe.

There's a darkness around him now that I never felt in the beginning, one that feels cruel and relentless in its form, encased in a ball of sadness and grief, leaving nothing but destruction in its path.

I see that destruction every time I look at him. I feel it to the pits of my stomach with each pained word he speaks.

I want to help Leo rebuild whatever pieces that darkness has destroyed. I want to be his light, the beacon of hope that he's never truly had, or allowed himself to have. If he'll let me, I want to show him what he means to me, and what I can mean to him. I want him to know he's significant to me, he's the other half of me, I never knew I had, the half that helped make me feel whole.

I don't want to go from strangers to siblings, right back to strangers once more.

I wipe my eyes harshly with my comforter, feeling somewhat pathetic for being so emotion, but I can't help it. I can't stop the water from treading down my cheeks.

To make matters worse, my mind takes me back to the conversation at dinner time and my tears only fall faster. I tried to hide my shock when Atlas mentioned Leo and Emilio kissing, a stinging sensation pierced my heart at his exclaim.

Why didn't either of them tell me?

Emilio is my best friend. I always thought friendship was build around honesty. I'm open with him, I tell him everything about Rafe and our relationship. Other than Leo and Jack, he was the first person, out with my family, that I'd confided in about my rapidly growing feelings for my boyfriend. So why didn't he share his feelings, too?

I've suspected for a while now that he has a crush on my brother, they were first raised during our game of truth or dare a whole two years ago. I seen how Emilio blushed after kissing Le, I seen the look of adoration in his eyes, but I was too young then to truly understand how he felt — feels.