If I Stay✔️

82

trigger warning; burns, insecure and destructive thoughts, mentions of drugs, suicide and mental illness.

chapter songs;
Young & Beautiful
Lean On Me

—

Carter never had low self esteem.

Growing up, people always complimented how handsome he was, defining him as nothing more than a pretty boy. You're all beauty and no brains.

Carter didn't mind, it was true. He didn't have the brains that his siblings were blessed with, but he was so naturally handsome that it had never bothered him; the brightest blue eyes, defined cheeks and puffed lips, baby soft skin; no acne or razor burn to be seen. He took care of himself, his body, too; exercising regularly, eating clean.

He was beautiful. Maybe a little too beautiful.

As he stood in the locked bathroom cubicle of his private hospital room, back pressed firmly against the wood, for the first time in his life, Carter didn't feel anything close to beautiful. He lifted his hand, his fingers trembling as he traced the rough skin along his nape; feeling every new found imperfection on his once smooth, unblemished flesh.

Carter exhaled sharply, head pounding as he held back the tears. Ignoring the way his knees wobbled, he pushed himself from the door and walked two steps ahead until his steel blue eyes connected with the dainty hung mirror.

That's when the tears finally fell.

This isn't the pretty boy he'd been deemed as his whole life. No. This boy couldn't be him. The reflection showed dull blue eyes, dirty, pale skin and a neck that looked like it'd been mauled by a starved pit bull. This isn't him, this isn't Carter.

Through the blurriness of his tears, Carter's lip wobbled as he took in the sight. He was disgusting; the way his skin folded around it's self, melted flakes of dead cells merging with open, wounded flesh. His skin was tore in a thousand different directions, blistered lumps raising from beneath the surface; reminding him of crisp, molten rocks surviving the aftermath of a volcanic eruption. The raised lumps glistened under the shitty, dull, energy saving lights; red and rough, yet shiny in a way that made no sense.

Only beautiful things shine. This — these — he was not beautiful.

This isn't happening, this can't be real.

Carter dropped his head; unable to look at himself for a second longer. It was unlike him, he could stare at himself for hours at a time, just ask Callan and he'll confirm. Carter wasn't vain as such — not really. He just knew how to appreciate his hotness, was that really such a crime?

His fingers gripped the ceramic sink tightly as Carter willed himself not to cry more pointless tears. He wasn't going to be a baby about this. So what? Yeah, his skin was more fried than tinfoil coming out of a microwave, but it's fine. Totally fine. These blisters, and burns, and uneven patches of his once perfect skin — these were his warrior wounds. Right? These made him brave. Didn't they? He ran into a burning building to save his baby brother. That made Carter a hero...

Right?

It's just skin, it'll heal.

Carter repeated those same words over and over again. It's just skin, it'll heal. He wouldn't allow himself to fall victim to his own vicious and reckless thoughts, he'd seen what that could do. With new found determination, Carter scrunched his eyes shut and inhaled a deep breath, and another, and another; preparing to face his dementors head on.