If I Stay✔️

79

trigger warning: mentions of suicide and blood.

L E O

I sit by the window in Charlie's office, my eyes trained on the trees as visitors begin pouring into the car park. My fingers grip the window ledge tighter as a familiar car drives through the iron gates. My heart pounds a little faster, breathing uneven as panic swells in my gut.

"Are you sure about this?"

Charlie's voice pulls me back before I allow for the spiral to start. I glance at him from the corner of my eye, his blonde eyebrows furrowed as he regards me. I look away, remaining silent for a few seconds to think over my response.

Truthfully, I don't know if I am ready and maybe I'll never be ready, but in order to heal I've come to learn that I have to try and face every battle head on, no matter how difficult that may be.

A few weeks ago, when I witnessed the distraught look in Sebastian's eyes as he pleaded with Oliver to speak to him, it made me make this decision almost impulsively. I don't want to see that look in my siblings eyes again, I don't want to feel that same apprehension that I know Oliver felt at the thought of seeing his brother.

I have to do this, for them, but mostly for me.

Whilst I feel like I've taken a reasonable amount of time to try and understand my feelings, nothing takes away the nerves and fear of speaking them out loud to the one person I know they'll hurt.

"I'm sure," I tell him, closing my eyes to calm my racing thoughts. "I have to do this, Char. She deserves an explanation, and I deserve to have this weight lifted. I need to do this for us both."

I hear him exhale, the long breath vibrating as if he's on the verge of tears.

"I know, kiddo." Charlie whispers, voice sounding closer. I open my eyes, tilting my head to look at him. I was right, he is closer now, body only inches from mine. He rests his hand on my shoulder, honey eyes soft, yet, still bright.

"I'm so proud of you, grumpy." He chokes out, slowly becoming less and less composed.

For once, I don't feel the need to ask why he's proud of me. I'm a little proud of me, too.

"You've come so far in such a short amount of time, Le."

I smile at him, one with no forced falseness. A true, genuine smile. "All thanks to you."

"No, grumps." He sucks in a breath and shakes his head, chuckling softly. "That's on you."

"No," I bump my shoulder against his, smile still intact. "It's on us. We make a great team, Char." I lean against him, a half hug. "I wouldn't be where I am today without you."

His arms wrap around me in an instant, so tight that I can barely breathe, but I don't pull away. Instead, I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his cotton shirt as I try to control the storm of emotions that suddenly hit me.

"Thank you for always having my back, for never giving up on me." I choke out, breathing laboured as a sob threatens to release from the back of my throat. "Even when I gave up on myself."

I pull back, blue locking to gold as I pour out my feelings to him — my truth.

"You saved my life." I say, voice trembling with gratitude as the words come straight from the centre of my heart.