Koi No Yokan

Meeting our extended family

Minju's POV:

We were on our way to Gangnam in our mourning clothes. I wore a black pencil skirt, white button down shirt, black tie and black suit jacket coupled with a black leather pumps. Wonnie, Chaen, Chaewon and Duck Unnies wore an all black suit, pants and tie, while the rest of us, which meant Yuri, Eunbi Unnie and I wore black pencil skirts, tie and suit jacket. Chaewon Unnie borrowed from Duck Unnie a suit and tie. It was hard to go to Seri Eomma's wake, I still can't believe that she left us reeling into oblivion. A week after Haneul Appa died in the Ariana Grande Concert bombing.

She left me another letter which I found in the dining table and it was labelled to read when I am ready. I kept the said letter in my bag and decided to read it at a later time, when exactly I would read her very last letter to me, I don't know either. All I know was I was hurt beyond belief to find her earlier in the training room, her body was cold and blood oozing out of her head. Why did you do it Eomma?! Why? I guess we aren't worthy of knowing her reasons, the letters she left us didn't specify even vaguely why she decided on taking her life, all she ever rambled on, in that first initial letter were her want for us to take time for ourselves and not take practice seriously.

Mong and I sat at Chaeyeon's van, she carried with her a bunch of envelopes for Seri Eomma's family. Mong and Chaen were inconsolable following Haneul Appa's death and now Seri Eomma. I don't know how any one of us will deal with their loss, but I was determined to keep this family afloat. I know Seri Eomma would be sad if we don't move forward, she will be staying here on earth, her spirit will be lurking everywhere, because she killed herself, I believe in Lurking Spirits, the concept of your soul not being able to ascend up to heaven because you took your own life. The concept came from my Harabeoji who had a cousin that took his own life and according to him that cousin of his visited his dreams and Harabeoji asked him where he ended up and he said he was still lurking around in Korea.

Mong Oppa looked out the window, her tears still evident while I numbed my own tears for the first time since I grew up. I wanted to tell Mong and Chaen that we will be alright, but I wasn't sure if we are going to be alright. I can't give a timeline of when are we going to be alright. We lost after all our two Unnies, the ones who are like our Appa and Eomma. In a week's time our lives has drastically changed, two permanent losses, two that heavily impacted us. One after the other, like a sudden onslaught of waves, crashing upon our bodies, drowning us until we can no longer breathe. It felt that way, like our lungs are slowly being taken over by these waves called grief.

Seri Eomma taught me a lot of things in her short life, she taught me how to care for myself, my standard of love has also changed, she empowered me to move on from Chaen, I only call Chaen 'jagiya' because I was used to calling her that. I was long over with Chaen, we're merely co-existing these days, I offered my shoulder to her so she can cry, apart from that, there are no more feelings on my end, not after she tested all my patience and luck ran out on her, multiple times she would ask me to come to her dorm room, she even gave me keys to her room only to find another woman who goes ballistic when she hears me call Chaen 'jagiya' several women now, over the last five years since we've met. She uses me as her scapegoat, several nameless women have gone on and several women who met me and mistook me for her girlfriend.

I've even seen some of those women at Hanlim or at Café's near Mapo-gu when Mong Oppa and I go out and review at Cafés. It was a good thing that I always wore my glasses in school, I enrolled wearing my glasses and my ID picture even had my glasses on them. So no one ever recognizes me when I am in school. I refuse to take my glasses away, the school officials understood and never really forced me to take them off. My eyes are -4.5 and -3.5 it was a good thing that I didn't have anything else such as astigmatism otherwise, I would have to constantly wear my glasses.