"Lost in Love"

Chapter 15: Finally

WARNING (Mature Readers Only): Contains Strong Sexual Content, Rape and Obscene Language. 

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[Jimin]

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FINALLY, I TOLD HIM!

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Finally Jungkook knew my deepest and darkest secret. I was both male and female. I was born that way but had decided to be male because of my mother. I didn't want to turn out like her. This was why I wanted to help people who were depressed and who felt like outcasts. I was one myself. I thought I had things under control by keeping my secret but when I fell in love with Jungkook, everything changed. I guess if I fell in love with a girl it wouldn't have mattered. I would've gotten married and have children with her as normal. Whether I had a womb wouldn't have mattered. But being in love with a guy and knowing that one day we could have children naturally if I decided to be female, is not normal at all.

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Being born as a hermaphrodite meant I could be a mother or a father. Jungkook knew the term 'intersex'. Most people knew that term and used it interchangeably with hermaphrodites. But in more modern times the term hermaphrodite was not considered politically correct hence the term intersex. It didn't matter to me which term I used. All I knew growing up was that I was different than my siblings and my friends from whom I kept it a secret until now.

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I realised now that Jungkook really had no clue about who I was in the past. I trusted him and I felt his earnestly when he explained things to me. But I know now that I needed to make another important decision. I had decided to remain a man for Jungkook and was going to permanently remove my female organs but I made that decision without consulting my partner. That was very selfish indeed and I knew Jin was right: Jungkook needed to know and have an input in it. I trembled wondering what he would really want.

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I opened my eyes and the moonlight filled our room. It was night time already. I was on our bed and I felt Jungkook's arms around me and his deep breaths blowing in my hair. My fucking hair. I changed it to look nothing like my mother. The eye surgery was extremely difficult but successful. It was a dye like a tattoo that they used but the ink with the natural blue made the colour brown. They actually looked like Jane's eyes. I accepted it. I loved my sister. Still do so my eyes being brown wasn't a problem for me.

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Because of the difficulties during that surgery, it was advised that I hold off from doing the hysterectomy. They however did the surgery to stop my menstruation along with medicinal treatment. My dad paid a lot of money for scientists to create a medication especially for me. This injection helped me produce male hormones and freeze my female hormones. It was something I took yearly. So every year I took a weekend trip to Thailand to receive it. We called it our 'Family Get Away'. My dad would always accompany me. Within the years that I knew Jungkook, he understood the importance of us being apart during those times. He thought my dad and I were doing it to have family bonding. Jungkook understood the importance of family. Deep down I know he would be such a great dad.

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I couldn't stop thinking about that. Jungkook and I having our own little boy or girl. Naturally. Not adopting, no surrogate and nothing from a test tube. A baby with our own DNA. A baby to love, nurture and bring up into this world. Would I be a good mother? I didn't have much of an example. My mother was selfish and mean. Jungkook was right. How could a mother say things like that about her child? But then I thought of Mrs. Jeon. She was a wonderful woman and mother. There were so many other women I encountered who were thoughtful and excellent mothers. Some of them were the producers and actresses who brought their children on set. I loved holding and interacting with their babies.