"Lost in Love"

Chapter 23: How Do I Live?

[Jungkook]

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"CONGRATULATIONS!!!!" Everyone shouted at the end of the valedictorian's speech. Honestly, I didn't understand or believed a word he said. Something about being champions of our lives and looking ahead of the future. I couldn't believe his words because I was empty inside and there was no real future for me. The best student of our year body stood at the podium, looked all around at the crowd, bringing hope for the students before him but his own heart had stopped. It stopped when someone left him. The love of his life: Park Jimin.

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My graduation had been pushed back because of the weather forecast but the stormy days and nights were nothing compared to the seconds, minutes, hours, weeks and month without my Jiminshi. He wanted to do his thing without me. He needed to find his happiness and I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't making him happy or I wasn't able to support him towards getting there. Jimin was a determined individual and when he said he wanted to break up, I knew it was partly because of what happened in Florida. He had told me then that he needed space and what did I do: I broke our blood promise and followed him. Deep down I knew, if he didn't break things off with me, I wouldn't be here right now delivering my inspirational speech to the fifty-something architectural graduates before me. If Jimin didn't break up with me, I would've been following him wherever he was right now. But he did end our relationship, so here I am now: alone and heartbroken. If my heart was still working, it would probably sink now.

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Right after our last embrace on that horrid night, I just left. I took up my keys and drove. While I was driving he tried to call me but I didn't answer. I was hurt, pained, mad, furious, confused... I didn't even know where I was going but my car took me there. Seems someone did answer Jimin's call because Suki was waiting by the porch when I drove in. I walked passed her as she tried to talk with me but I ignored her. I didn't want to see or hear anyone so I just walked straight into my old room, slammed the door and laid down on the bed. My mom kept all my awards and trophies in here but I couldn't look at them either. I closed my eyes but when I did that I saw my last image of my love: Jimin's eyes looking at me with sadness as he said to me, 'I think we should break up...'  FUCK! I lost it.

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I immediately got up and grabbing Jon's old baseball bat, I ran outside into our play area. I began to swing. Everything in front of me went flying in the air. My excruciating groans and explicit language following each time I struck a part of the structure. When they heard the noise, my parents came out but they said nothing. I'm sure I heard Suki crying but I didn't give a fuck. Jimin didn't want me and that was harder to accept than death itself.

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After my swinging outburst that night, I stayed in my parent's home and tried to do things as normal as I could. I pretended that nothing happened and continued living my life. Isn't this what Jimin wanted me to do? Live my life without him? So I made up my mind to do that but I was hurt and angry all the time. I couldn't stand my family looking at me like I was going to lose it again so I decided to stay in the cabin by the waterfall. The nostalgia was extremely fucking hard as this was where Jimin and I became one. I looked at my half of our bracelet and wanted so badly to just fling it into the waterfall but I decided to take on a project instead: To change the interior of the cabin. Along with my other projects at work, helping dad rebuild what I damaged in our maze and refurbishing the cabin, I thought these things would keep me busy so I could forget about him. Forget about Jimin... Ha! No fucking luck.

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Two weeks after I left our apartment, I was sanding the floor in the bathroom of the cabin, which I made a lot bigger than the one before by breaking down some walls. Then I heard a knocking on the front door. Thinking it was mom or Suki bringing lunch, I went towards the entrance of the hut but then I stopped. I could smell and feel him from a mile away. Jimin was standing outside. He didn't have to say anything but I knew it was him. However, I didn't want to see or hear him. He had been trying to contact me but I couldn't respond. No! Not that I couldn't, I didn't want to talk with him. What exactly would I say? What did he want to say? Goodbye? To rip my dead heart out... again.