"Lost in Love"

Chapter 45: Jane's Log Pt2

[Jane]

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(Month 6)

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What the hell happened? My life has taken a spiral since I came to the US. I left South Korea with such inspiration, passion and hope to make things better for me yet here I am, sitting on a hard chair, in a public clinic waiting to be attended to by one of the many doctors here. The money that I was to inherit from my dad was still going through paperwork and I literally just had a few hundred dollars from what I had since I left home. So when Delia 'kicked' me out of her apartment, I had to find lodging, relatively cheap and in walking distance to a free women's clinic. Thanks to the yellow pages and the pharmacist at a pharmacy close by, I was able to rent a room and join the health facility. The pharmacist felt sorry for me when I came to get some pre-maternal advice and medication.

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At the call of my name, I went in to the room where I was examined by a nurse and a doctor. At least they followed procedure. Everything was fine and I was thankful but during the doctor/patient discussion I was advised as to if I really wanted my child and if I considered giving it up for adoption.

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'Adoption?' It was something that I never thought of but the doctor saw that I had no family, no friends and the fact that I was so young and still looking for a job, he asked me to give it some thought.

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'There are many young girls out there who have opted to give up their babies especially to couples who can't have any on their own. I'm not saying to just give up your baby to anyone but to consider the programme we have here,' and he proceeded to show me the cases of the many families they helped through surrogacy and adoption.

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I wondered now if that's why the pharmacist suggested that I came to this particular clinic. They all assumed that I wouldn't want the baby seeing that I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of it especially as I didn't currently have a job. He told me to think about it and he gave me some material to read more into the process.

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Honestly, the thought was never in my mind. I wanted to keep my baby even though I wasn't sure how I was going to take care of it. Thoughts of going back home were never an option either. I was too ashamed to go back. Telling Aunt Geo-Roo might not be a problem but I know she would insist that I tell Daehyun and that would be catastrophic. I tried to imagine me explaining to him that even though I broke up with him and left everything and everyone, that I was now pregnant for him and wanted to come back. His mother would blow off the roof and his father would disown him. And that's going on the hope that Dae himself would believe me. They would probably think that I met someone here and got pregnant but the guy dumped me and now I was looking for someone to take care of me and the baby. I was not even between a rock and a hard place: I was cemented under the hard place with rocks covering me, laughing at me while I squirmed to break free. Freedom...

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'The Land of the Free...' Wow! This wasn't what I wanted or even what I thought would happen. I went back home with my meds and my reading material, hoping that something would happen to guide me towards me having a life with my baby.

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(Month 8)

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Wow! It's been two months since I last wrote and so much has happened. I got a small job, in the same pharmacy where I first came. The pharmacist, Ms. Smith, was very kind to me. She said I reminded her of her own daughter who was away studying medicine. She said if her daughter was in a strange country with no family or friends, she would hope that someone, a trustworthy stranger, would help her out in times of need. Ms. Smith asked me to help pack items on the shelf and to help customers find the items they needed. She even gave me time off to attend clinic and asked me to work from 8am to 3pm, giving me 15 minute breaks and 1 hour for lunch. It reminded me of my primary school days but I was very thankful especially when she made healthy lunches for me and gave me just above the minimum wage. It was enough for me to survive.