I forget what day it is a lot now.... or rather I want to forget. Ever since the press conference back in February, that fateful day from hell where Jamie showed up to finish me off things have gotten worse for me...more confusion, more nightmares...more bottling up everything. And hiding it from EVERYONE. Now it is Mid-April and rehearsals for the co-headlining tour with Aerosmith have begun. The tour itself begins end of next month.... but anyway...I've carried so much inside me, so much guilt since February.... that, I don't know what to do or how to ask for help. I have panic attacks, in the shower and at night especially when Evan is in my bed, I go into the bathroom and rock myself back and forth like a scared child. Evan is my saving grace...but I feel terrible for thinking even with him, I am barely holding on.... yet he is the ONLY ONE keeping me here...
And it hurts even more to see everyone else so happy, and in love or finding it. Like Eric and Brad Whitford have been dating and it's going very well, even I can tell you they are so in love with one another. And apparently Eric aka 'loose lips' let it slip that prior to rehearsals starting he accidentally walked in on Paul and Steven Tyler going at it, yeah didn't need to know that...but even THAT kills me to hear. And then...on top of everything there is Joe, Joe Perry. He'd given me his number 2 months ago and I haven't called him or seen him since...he said 'anytime'. He confuses me, scares me...scares me so much...and I can't seem to figure out why, or I don't want to acknowledge WHY....He was so good with Evan, so sweet...Evan has never gotten over his shyness so fast, and he's even so far come around to the other members or Aerosmith which i didn't see coming, but I admit makes me feel good...like I am doing something right. Still those strange feelings, the way I push those down too when I am around Joe......
EVERYONE is hanging out, both bands sharing rehearsal space.... shocking me, but I guess it's practical. Aerosmith has finished and currently I, Paul, Eric, and Gene are running thru our set. Evan is here, my son insisted.... Peter, Peter Criss is watching him. Yes, Peter and I are friends, but the media gives him and us shit. Largely because Ace Frehley runs his mouth. My hair falls over my eyes, not that I need to see the fret board....and suddenly it feels like the walls are closing in, like my world is shrinking...my body on auto pilot...with herculean effort I push it down, breathing in and out deeply...but not down quickly enough for everyone not to notice, which I wave them off, nodding my head in the negative....Our set continues on, Evan clapping his little hands in time with the music, beaming...happy....and I can't help but smile, yet feel so torn at the same time. Before I know it, we are done for the day and we chat a bit before parting, but everyone still lingers talking to one another. Evan runs straight to me, and I immediately scoop him up....
"Some little boy was happy! Did you enjoy your day today?" Evan nods happily, but then I am startled by the tears building in his little eyes, my eyes. My own son knows how fucked up I am..., "Sweety...what's wrong?!" Worried now, as Evan starts to cry...me frantically soothing him...
"Mommy...you scare me.... you look-yd Weawwy hurt. Me tell no hidey sad."
"OH EVAN...." I whisper, "I am sorry my little angel to worry you so.... Mommies got so much I am going thru...like with the bad man...and everything...but you are right, I just don't know how...to fix it."
"Mommy I know how.... hugs, new fwiends....and cheesy." I can't help but laugh at the last line, my son making me feel at least a little bit better. I need that...
Next thing I know, Eric walks up, and Evan makes grabby hands first asking me if it's ok and I say it is, but not before Eric whispers to where Evan can't hear...
"Tommy.... it's getting worse, I know...I know you are struggling.... you need to let it ALL out...I can see it in your eyes. I'm always here..."
I struggle to hold back tears, and I before I run, I let Peter know and to tell Eric....and then, Then I run.... finding, some corner where no one can hear and panic.... rocking myself back and forth, sobbing, sobbing quietly as I can...struggling to breath.
YOU ARE READING
Let the Heart Do the Talkin': (An Aerosmith/Kiss Love Story)
RomanceEarly 2003 will see two legendary bands come together for the first time in many years, Aerosmith, and Kiss. Aerosmith no stranger to the hard rock scene meeting the 'Psycho Circus' as it were....and love for some is a thing that has never been trul...
