Let the Heart Do the Talkin': (An Aerosmith/Kiss Love Story)

Chapter 6: Feeling Strange, A Late-Night Call (Tommy Thayer)

I've just left Evan, after spending time with him and lots and lots of hugs from my precious, precious little boy.... Reluctantly, I let Joe see me off and am now in my car.... i break down....

"W-Why? Just.... why am I such a fucked-up mess?!" I sob, which sound more like screams. It gets so bad that I end up pulling over in some parking lot and cut the engine and just sob....and sob.

I feel like that I am just running away like a dog with its tail between its legs.... i guess I haven't dealt with Jamie; with his death and the horrors I'd suffered and still feel I am suffering at his hands. I am just worrying everyone.... those that I do care about, those that.... i Love. Then there's one Joe Perry, he apologized for adding to my emotional turmoil.... I've never had ANYONE do that. I could tell he meant it, that he means everything he says and does...the offer to talk, he's calmed me down from several panic attacks, but my head is still afraid...of acknowledging things with so much already on my plate...but he's right.... Joe Perry IS RIGHT.

I manage to somehow calm myself down, and cry silently...I must get home.... though I don't want to, to my lonely, lonely house......

As soon as I arrive home, I realize just how empty the house is....no cartoons, no laughter from my son. No nothing....it feels suffocating. I can tell I'm heading into panic attack territory.... yet again so staggering to my living room, my phone in easy reach on my coffee table, I grab a pillow and curl up on the couch, screaming into it.... breathing rapidly....

I can't keep doing this!! I'm going to wind up dead...which I want to die...anything would be better than living as I am... but I could NEVER EVER, do that to Evan. If only...I had someone to share my burden! If only I'd let someone.... well, maybe I have....in a way, I DID open at least some to Joe about how I found out about Evan, what led to me breaking away from Jamie physically.... that's something.......

I cry until I fall asleep....and then I find myself waking up with a start.... It's dark.... but according to my watch not that late....and I am hungry, so I pad into the kitchen feeling so drained...numb. I fix myself some sandwiches and eat a little and then head to my practice room.

Play till your fingers bleed....

I make sure my guitar is tuned....and play and play and play till my fingers DO bleed. Then I stop.... i did call and talk to my son somewhere in all this, wish him good night and then the crushing feeling returns.... the loneliness the pain, for I realize.... that...it's getting late or is late.... I played so long.... its 1 am....... I freak....

"I M-Miss... you Evan.... but...you'd worry about me even more being here...I...I... I just...and then I worry EVERYONE." I whisper tearfully. "I'm not worth that...not...worth that!!" The tears once again come like a raging river...a torrent...and the walls start to close in.... NOT AGAIN.... this...isn't good.... without thinking I manage to reach my phone and dial.... I NEED THIS....

"Tommy? Tommy?! What's wrong?" Joe Perry's worried voice floats across the line, shocking me that he answered, then many things about him 'shock' me.

"H-He...lp.... I... sorry...to c-call.... It's, it's bad....so lonely...I'm...I'm..." I stammer, I hear shuffling not knowing what's going on. "I can't do this!!" I whimper.

"Don't be sorry...I hate that you're in so much pain.... talk to me Tommy.... don't hang up...please." Joe takes a deep breath. "Hang on.... breath. Where do you live?"

The last question floors me.... like really floors me....it takes me a while to answer, and he never hangs up...., "Um...why?"

"You need help.... i told you.... i don't care what time of the day or night it is.... please Tommy." Joe pleads, i manage to stammer out my address and next thing I know...I hear an engine starting...., "Still with me?"

"Y-Yeah.... i just.... feel guilty.... you're I mean.... I'm not worth worrying over.... but I can't do this ALONE anymore either. I just need to let everything out...but, But I wanna die but I can't do that to my son...to those that care...." I whisper, feeling broken. I randomly realize depending on it could take at least 10 minutes for him to reach me or there abouts.

"You have nothing to feel guilty for.... NOTHING. Tommy, you've spent FAR too long being treated like trash, told you were trash and god...I can only imagine what you've been thru that I do not know....you're worth, well to me....I know, you're a sweet, caring person, you're an amazing mother, talented as hell....you have such passion for what you do....it's time you see that and I KNOW you are a wonderful person. Just hang on...hang ON." Joe's voice is earnest, desperate, and filled with tears but STILL he's comforting ME.

"T-There...was....so much unspeakable.... things done...said....and you...you...so n-nice.... I.... I... GOD!!" I am on the verge of passing out, black starting to line the edges of my vision....

"Tommy?!! Tommy?!! LISTEN to me...please...come on...come on.... i gotcha.... Please.... listen to the sound of my voice....and I need you to do something for me.... almost there...almost there." Joe's voice is desperate...but manages to ground me at least somewhat.

"W-What...do you n—need me to do?" I croak out, trembling.

"Close your eyes, just close your eyes.... breathe in and out as deeply as you can.... just picture something and tell me something you love doing that I don't know about." Amazingly I listen to instructions, and do as he say....and finally, though crying still, it's much more softly and again I can speak....

"I love...stars, looking at the night sky...so vast and peaceful....and, and I love reading Greek myths and just love books."

"that's amazing Tommy.... all of that is wonderful and amazing.... now, I'm turning down your street....do you have a spare key? Or?" Joe trails off and I blink...

"Um spare key is under a potted succulent plant I have.... There's so much...I need to tell you...EVERYTHING about my past.... i can't hold it in anymore." My voice cracks but is resolute.

"Ok, I'm coming up on your house now.... wow.... this is a beautiful house!" Joe exclaims.

"Thanks..." Feeling shy, a bit awkward. "Um...I'll be in the living room...I can't THANK YOU ENOUGH...or begin to.... i mean...I know it's late..." Joe gently cuts me off and I hear a door close.

"You need me...that's it, I'm there...I don't care if I lose sleep...all I care about is being here for you." Joe's response floors me...really floors me...and makes me feel strange...not a bad strange though.... suddenly the key turns in the lock...and the phone goes silent, him having hung up....my heart beats wildly...and I hear...., "Tommy? I'm here.... I'm here." And suddenly Joe Perry comes into view....

I could NEVER forget this night...ever...what it meant, what it means to me STILL. I didn't realize or wasn't ready to admit it, I needed the time.... but looking back, I was in love.... had fallen for him, and that would come...I would let my heart do the talking after Joe and I became friends, which I needed.... but, getting a wee bit ahead of myself here.

I for the first time this night...unloaded...everything, not just what I'd already told Joe about Evan, but the torture and then some I endured at the hands of my psychotic ex. I quit bottling all those feelings, the guilt...and I let it go.... Ain't it funny how the night moves?

A/N: Lol, I couldn't help myself and finished up this chapter anyway...sorry to end on a bit of a cliffhanger, but as always it will be worth it my friends. The seeds for more than friendship are sown, but things are in motion for Tommy to finally begin to heal.