Glimpses

Chapter 10

October 9th, 2021

"Odette got pregnant?" Rory reflected Logan's words, her eyebrows raised high, but her voice remaining calm, trying not to show her real reaction in her tone. "That's the reason you left?!" she exclaimed, frowning, not quite following, struggling to hide how she could be interprating this in a very bad way. This certainly didn't sound like the honorable thing to do.

There was nothing weird about someone getting pregnant at their age, a married person no-less, but in no scenario that she could imagine was that what she'd expected Logan to say. Naturally there was also the layer of hurt in taking in his statement - would his reaction have been similar if she'd been the one telling him something like that?

"No-no-no..., wait," Logan corrected, having not realized how much the bourbon had dulled his brain. The reason for that was probably that he'd intentionally cut back on his drinking these past months, knowing his body needed a break from the heavy drinking he'd subjected it to. He'd been pushing it on all fronts - working, working out and also partying as hard as he could. They'd all been his methods of coping. He'd even gotten a cautioning glance from his physician the last time he'd been to see him to take things down a notch.

Rory waited expectantly for him to explain. It just didn't fit into her head that Logan could be the kind of guy who bailed a situation like this had it been a straightforward one.

"Yes, she got pregnant. But no - it wasn't mine," Logan assured.

"Oh," Rory exhaled, sounding more relieved than she perhaps should've. It sure sounded like Odette had been cheating - but then again it did sound a little hypocritical at the same time. It was not like Logan had always been that determined on monogamy either years ago, but Rory could understand that raising another man's child was a bit of a different story. She had to admit that having been able to skip that conversation with Jess years ago had kind of been a relief at the time.

"Listen," Logan began, hesitating about how to go about this. There were two ways to go about this - the short summed up version and the lengthy one. But as one of the reasons he was there was to explain - and to apologize, he was kind of hoping to tell her the long one. "You realize really explaining this would require me to go further into the background of this... I know you've never really wanted to know about the details of that relationship nor what that relationship really was and I won't force it on you now if it's impossibly hard for you to hear," he added, thoughtfully, unsure if this really was something Rory wanted to air.

Rory took in a lungful of air and exhaled.

"I think five years is a long time. That's enough distance, don't you?" Rory replied, trying to put on a strong front.

At the time it had been too painful to ask about or to hear, now it was more of a nagging regret that she'd never really understood things. She'd never understood why it had been seemingly so easy for Logan to compartmentalize, for example. And, of course, there was the question - Had she really been just a mistress or was there something more to it? 

She'd been messed up - in limbo - unable to really connect to anything or anyone that year after Richard's death - she wasn't blameless in any of this either, she knew that. But she also understood that in the long run it wouldn't have mattered - things had turned out differently, and it was good they had or she wouldn't have Em. She'd done fairly well for herself, hadn't she?

"Okay..," Logan exhaled, though he wasn't quite convinced regrets really ever simmered down.

For him it had been quite the contrary. The entire time he'd been without Rory in his life, he'd felt like he was under water unable to reach the surface for air. At least when Rory had been around during her brief visits or even phone calls, he'd felt like there was a capsized, perfect but at the same time functionally imperfect boat on top of the water with air pockets underneath giving him a moment to breathe. But he'd never been allowed to linger in those pockets of air for too long - Rory keeping him just far enough to not admit to feeling or wanting anything more with him. He had always understood her several rational reasons for doing it - the expectations of his family's name, her career aspirations in which she wanted to be independent, the long distance aspect - just to bring some points. But understanding it hadn't meant that it hadn't hurt - she still hadn't really wanted him. But even those waters that he'd been stuck in back then hadn't been that deep as they'd gotten in the end.