Glimpses

Chapter 43

December 17th, 2021

"You heard what the therapist said, and I don't mean to push you... but can you really blame me for wanting you not to kills yourself with you work?" Logan said.

The trip back from the therapist's office a couple of days ago had been on the quiet side, Rory feeling like something was wanted from her that she wasn't sure how to give it. She didn't know how to deal with what she felt, truth be told - hiding, running and substituting being her go-to answers usually.

But as the mood had been lightened by Logan driving past one of the houses he'd seen an add on recently as they drove into Hartford - not that in the dark there was a lot to see. But it still acted as a reminder that their plans for the future hadn't gone anywhere.

Now, however, as Rory and Logan had excused themselves to Rory's classroom to talk in peace, it also being the first time Logan got to see where Rory really worked and his suggestive questions about Rory working too hard earlier, the mood was less assuring.

Rory hadn't quite been so lucky to get one of the classrooms that had two rows of gridded windows where she'd given her alumni lecture five years ago. God - did that seem like a long time ago. Those classrooms were reserved for music and civics and came with a certain seniority. Rory had the classroom right next to Max's old classroom, and it looked almost entirely identical to Max's, just mirroring it. There was a large cork board by the entrance listing various competitions and extra curricular suggestions - anything from summer schools to poetry nights and book launches. The chalk blackboard had been replaced with a whiteboard and her walls contained frames black-and white literary posters, citing various famous authors which she'd bought herself. There was no obligatory picture of William Shakespear on the wall like Max had had, Rory being a little rebellious like that.

"Is this a fight? Why does this feel like a fight?" Rory said, frustratedly and with a hint of sadness, and sank onto the edge of her desk, like she often did while lecturing, but now just with zero enthusiasm.

"I don't want it to be," Logan sighed, tucking his hands into his pockets, and leaned against the wall. "I love you Rory, and I don't know... maybe I'm being so pushy because it's something I've been through so recently, and I just can't help to sense what you're doing... it has a bit of that...," he began to explain, adding, "...that compulsive behavior to it, very similar to what I had, and I just want to understand, help - I want you to be happy in whatever you're doing. I want to make sure it's not... I don't know... your mother, your grandfather or my father... whoever that is you're doing this for," shrugging his shoulders.

"You realize two of those people are dead, right?" Rory looked at him sideways. Joking about was still her protection mechanism.

"Yes, I do.., but I also know that he hurt you more than you let on," Logan replied. He hadn't been as oblivious as Rory thought about her struggles, essentially trying to be more worhty in everything she did than an assistant would be, his father suggested she try that as a professsion all those years ago.

"What, first I am too dependent on the opinion of people who are alive and now the dead too?" Rory said, getting a little defensive, but fluctuated between avoidant and humourous.

"You know that's not what I am trying to say," Logan said. "I'd understand if you told me... that you do this to show Em what a working mother looks like, how you want to do something meaningful, give on the love for books to young people - but you've never said anything like that. You talk about the long hours, the workload, getting into it because it's the place where you loved to be and how you loved to sit in one of these chairs yourself, how you admired your teachers," he continued. "I just want you happy, that you wouldn't support your happiness just on me, as that's a lot of weight to carry... I fixed myself to the best of my abilities before I came here... I just want you to self-reflect and see if there is something you need to fix before we move further with us," Logan added, clearly having thought a great deal about it. He didn't want to say that he wasn't willing to carry her weight, but he knew that he was not as strong as he'd believed himself to be either.