Glimpses

Chapter 18

October 30th, 2021

"But does Jess know that you two are through?" Logan asked after a while, with concern in his tone.

Rory panicked - she had expected a lot of things to become an issue - the slowness of their pace, the difficult conversations, his work, his former relationship to Odette if she insisted on pursuing him or the mess of their former relationship - but not Jess. To her it was crystal clear. But now that Logan had pointed that out as something he was concerned about, having sat there in his new living room, talking about a lot of things, suddenly Rory saw it too. It was a valid concern and had roles been reversed she might've be worried too.

"He knows I date. The rare times he has suggested something, I've turned him down. I think he gets it," Rory explained. "I think he dates too," she added, having gotten the impression he, for example, hadn't been playing racket ball on his own the other day - it was so unlike him.

But now as she explained it, she felt for the first time like this wasn't enough - maybe she indeed needed to spell it out for Jess.

"He's been a recurring person in your life almost like I've been, I'd be lying if I didn't want some assurance that he wouldn't become your fallback yet again at the first sign of trouble," Logan admitted. Admitting something like that had been surprisingly hard.

Rory observed Logan with some confusion - she'd never thought of it like that. His candidness was refreshing. Maybe he really had changed.

"The relationship I had with Jess when I was in high school is nothing like what we had more recently, but I wouldn't compare the two of you - you're nothing alike. It's not the same thing," Rory argued, trying to clarify.

"But you've done it before - when you've been mad at me, he's been the guy you've gone to," Logan said, realizing only as he'd said it that this had been yet another undiscussed thing between them.

What?" Rory asked. She wasn't sure she was hearing things right.

"That night at the hospital... I was in and out of consciousness. I don't know, maybe I dreamt it or heard just a part of the story - correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe I heard you tell me you kissed him," Logan explained. "And then the next day you apologize for being angry at me and we never spoke of it again," he added. "And no, I'm not still mad about that, I forgave you on the spot. I had much more blame on me for how things were back then. But all I am saying is that there's a precedent. And when we said our goodbyes in New Hampshire - there you went to him again," Logan explained how he saw it.

Rory really hadn't thought that their first date-like situation would feel like this. It almost felt like a fight, and that even without Logan sounding terribly accusatory. He was speaking calmly, but it was a little borderline - it was no wonder, both of their emotions were enhanced in each-other's presence.

And maybe in part she did felt culpable. It had been a large part of what she'd spoken with her therapist about, in fact. It was just a gentle topic for her. Hence she was more easily agitated, defence being her first stance.

"I didn't know you knew...," Rory sighed, now feeling even worse.

"Like I said, I'm not mad about that - I deserved a lot worse back then," Logan admitted.

Rory sighed. It didn't help much, but a little - maybe?

"Jess has just always been the guy in my past that has always wanted me back. No matter how awfully I've behaved towards others, no matter how unsuccessful I was at work, no matter how big of a mess I was, he's always just given me everything I've asked of him. And I have been a huge mess, but I've treated him horribly too," Rory began to explain again.