Multi Fandom One Shots And Short Stories

(DSMP-KARLNAP) Tell Myself I'll Be Alright, Even If It's All A Lie (4)

The last part of this story.  Guys, this is HEAVY. I'm not kidding.  PLEASE don't read if this will hurt you. It made me cry, but I had to write the comfort at the end. I needed it.

TW- NON-CONSENSUAL SEX AND TOUCHING, panic attacks, flashbacks, internalized acephobia, the feeling that sex is required in all relationships and forcing yourself to have it because you feel like you're broken, LOTS of insecurities, ABUSE, almost rape but Sap realizes in time and stops, SEVERE TRAUMA AND SHAME IN ONESELF

Word count: 4033

The nightmare had been a few months ago. Karl had been at least partially truthful when he explained that he just wasn't ready to talk about it yet. 

Sapnap had nodded and held him close, running light fingers up his spine until they rested in his hair.

"It's alright, Karl," he'd whispered, "If you ever feel like you want to talk to someone about it, just know that I'm here for you. No matter what it is, I promise I'll do my best to help you through it." He had pressed a kiss to Karl's cheek and said, "I'm never gonna leave you, baby, not unless you want me to."

Karl knew that those words were meant to be comforting but all they did was make him feel worse.  He knew that if Sapnap ever found out what he was, he wouldn't be able to stay.

And really? Karl couldn't blame him.  Sex is natural, isn't it? How can you have love without sex? You can't… And Karl just- he couldn't! He'd never been able to force himself to enjoy it, force the painful discomfort to the back of his mind long enough to try, no matter how many people attempted and how many times he'd disappointed them all.

Something inside of him was broken and that was a fact.  He couldn't love like a normal person which meant that he was abnormal which meant that he was broken. It was an easy-enough thought process to follow.

How could he ever ask Sapnap to love him when even he couldn't love the mangled mess of a man he had become?

Which is why he'd sworn to himself that he would do this. Even if he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it, even if it tore him apart from the inside out, even if he was in agony… He'd let Sapnap enjoy himself. 

He didn't deserve to be so selfish.  He didn't deserve to keep so much from the man he loved just because he was broken.  Even if he was suffering, he would let Sap enjoy it because Sap deserved the world. He deserved to be given everything he wanted and if he wanted Karl then he'd give himself up willingly.

So when Sapnap started to escalate their make out session, he didn't fight. He tried so hard to lie still, to make himself enjoy the touches and the kisses pressed to his skin. 

He let his shirt and his pajama sweats be slid off his body, even helping push them away from himself which only served to increase the tightness in his chest. But he would do this. He would because it was for Sapnap and Sapnap deserved to take him. He deserved everything Karl could give and he would give him this.

He held back the desperate, terrified tears as Sap's hands trailed to his bare waist, his grip sliding into the familiar places the ones before had taken.  He tilted his head back, his spine arching as he tried to shove back the thoughts and the painful discomfort that radiated from every part of his body.

Sapnap deserved this. He deserved him.

As his neck was exposed, Sap dove for him.  He was like a wild beast, hungry and searching, sucking bruises into Karl's skin. There was one spot, just below his jaw, that made him squirm and gasp as Sapnap kissed him.

The man hovering above him pressed more kisses to that spot, sucking harder than he had before.  Karl groaned, squeezing his eyes shut.  He wouldn't say it felt good, but it was a new sensation and with everything else his mind was trying to focus on, a new sensation was exactly the last thing he needed.