Lost Love [H.S]

five

11 October 2020

My sweet Adalaide,

I know this is going to be hard to understand but there's a big problem baby, I'm scared. You probably hate me for leaving but listen when I say I had too, there was no other way I could solve all this without leaving.

Hearing you tell me about how you one day would love to have children scared me Addie and not in the way you think, it's not what you think and I promise I didn't leave to hurt you.

I left to make sure you get to live your life to the fullest and sadly when I'm the one beside you, you can not do that.

I would be fucking honoured to one day have a mini version of us running around, multiple actually, it's a dream of mine but we can't darling.

I love everything about you, every single little thing about you makes my heart race and my knees weak my girl. You're my sunset and I'll watch them all every night, thinking about all the different colours remind me of you.

You're the love of my life, there's no way I could ever love someone like I love you, Adalaide. It's a sick and twisted world and I'm sorry I've been ripped away from you when all you wanted was to be loved.

I can't give you what you want, my unconditional love for you won't last forever and I can't bear the heartbreak of you ever leaving me.

Please don't blame yourself, it's not your fault and never will be. This is all my fault, I made mistakes when I was younger, things I never told you or anyone for that matter but they're coming round to bite me in the ass.

I can't let you get hurt by my mistakes, I can't let that happen to your sweet soul.

I won't forgive myself for hurting you but I know you won't be alone, Niall and Louis are always nearby for you and they'll always be there no matter what. You'll always have best friends in them, my mum and Gem as well, tell them how much I love them for me.

Understand that I can't contact you anymore but if one day fate brings us back together I promise I won't let you go again. I love you with my entire soul, my soul wants to be with yours and I don't know how I'll cope without you beside me.

You've kept me sane for all these years, there's no one I'd ever want to share my life with and I'm sorry I'm leaving. I won't forgive myself for the pain this is going to cause you, I saw how distraught you looked and it broke a part of me.

Addie, you're the perfect storm and I hope one day someone will see that and love you like you deserve seeing as I couldn't do th-

"What are you doing?" Marla's voice makes me snap the journal shut, looking up at her face with wide eyes feeling like I've been caught doing something wrong.