Lost Love [H.S]

forty six

12 April 2021

"Mumma, sippy." Capri holds her mug of hot chocolate up to me to offer me a sip of the hot beverage.

I shake my head softly, "no thank you, Little Sun, that's all for you!" I smile, watching her giggle before taking a little sip of her drink. "Taste yummy?" I ask her, running my fingers through her curls and she nods her little head.

Bambi is currently the movie of choice, Capri, Posie and I are all curled up together while watching it before bedtime.

Since Harry left almost a week ago we've been calm. Capri has cooled down a lot, she gets to speak to her Daddy before we calm down for bed and then the recording of him singing, sings her to sleep.

Anne suggested I get the recording in something so she can have it with her wherever she goes so I caved and took Percy in for a makeover.

Now when Capri presses his foot her Daddy sings to her and I think it's extremely special that she now has that.

There's not as much anger in our home anymore, there's sometimes tears when the girls miss Harry but it's a lot more manageable and controlled.

I'm thankful they've managed to calm down but the same can't really be said for me.

I feel a lot more upset a lot of the time. I thought I'd be relatively okay without Harry around because I went almost four years without him before but that couldn't have been further than the truth.

Harry is like the missing part of me, when he's not here there's a gaping hole in my soul that begs and pleads to be reunited with him.

I've come to the conclusion that being away from him, as much as it was necessary, was a bad idea for my mental health.

I seem to constantly make decisions that negatively affect my mental wellbeing.

At night I look out the window, it brings me comfort knowing we look at the same stars in the night sky.

Carrying his baby also makes me feel extremely close to him, placing my hand softly on my little bump reminds me that we're having another sweet baby together and he's here this time.

I feel extremely guilty however, for keeping him from witnessing these early stages of my pregnancy.

Every part of me longs to be with him and knowing I'm not going to see him for a few more weeks makes me extremely upset.

I want to lay in bed and sleep until he's back.

Sleeping at night is hard, despite Jax being in prison I'm still worried he's going to break in and hurt me or the girls.

My anxiety has spiked because an unknown number started messaging me and there's no possible way it's Jax.

It's nothing scary or threatening, just random news article links that are extremely strange but I've decided to ignore it.