If I Stay✔️

69

A/N: did somebody say a 12000 word chapter?

trigger warning: mental illness, SA, ED, marco.

L E O

Friday March 18th -

I take a deep breath, my hands clutch the seatbelt that's caging my body in vice grip. I don't know if I can do this.

Charlie said that this was all part of the process, that I had to face the people who hurt me the most in order to heal myself. I agree with him, somewhat, but I don't know if my siblings are the ones who hurt me most?

No hurt compared to his, to what he inflicted, what he made me feel.

But maybe Charlie's right, that all of this stemmed from the catalyst of pain my siblings unknowingly inflicted.

Is that fair of me though? Can I really harbour these feelings of resentment towards my siblings when they didn't mean to hurt me? Do I even have the right to be upset? They lost just as much as I did, and to top that off, they had to step into the roles of parents without ever being guided in how to be a parent.

Are my feelings selfish? They had every right to miss our sister. They had every right to do everything they could to keep her memory alive. Why am I being so selfish?

"You okay, kiddo?" Charlie's voice draws my attention to him. He looks worried, though I know he's trying his best to hide it.

"We don't have to do this, we can leave if you want. I'm not forcing you into anything, Le. All of this is your choice. Your way or the highway."

I smile at his rambling.
Do I want to do this?

"I'm good," I say, a half truth. Minus my conflicting feelings surrounding my family, and this guilt I can't seem to shake, I do feel okay.

"We can leave anytime?" I double check, a little embarrassed at the fact I feel so uneasy about coming home.

Is this my home though? As much as it pains me to admit it, I feel more at home back at the teen house. With the people who understand me more than my siblings ever could.

"Mhm," Charlie hums, bringing the car to a stop at the end of my family's driveway. He switches off the ignition and turns to me. "Just give me the secret signal and I'll get us out of there before you can even blink."

I smile at him, feeling a little bit of the strain around my heart ease.

The secret signal is what Charlie deemed as a necessity for us before coming here today. As extreme as it sounds, we practiced all day yesterday to ensure our signal would go unnoticed by those around us. At first Charlie suggested we copy the dance from the parent trap and use that as our escape code, but I managed to convince him that it would be anything but undetectable.

"Cough lightly, meet your eye, scratch my neck and pull my ear lobe three times." I recited, knowing each of the actions off by heart like some sort of safety net. Which by all means, it is.

"You smart little cookie," Charlie beams with pride. I narrow my eyes at him, waiting until he recites his own part. He rolls his eyes in response. "As soon as I receive your signal, I'll text Ty with an SOS and he'll call me with an emergency, meaning we'll both have to leave right away."