If I Stay✔️

76

multiple povs in this chapter

trigger warning; mentions of mental illness, self harm, suicide, abuse.

C A L L A N

Silence washes over the dinning room.

It's the deafening type of silence; a silence that means we can speak but choose not to do so, each of us too overwhelmed by the catastrophe we've just witnessed.

What the fuck just happened?

It's like all the air in the room has been sealed off as we all hold our breaths, apprehensively anticipating for what's now to come.

My eardrums ache as the desire for an answer — any answer, explanation, anything — fails to come. I clench and unclench my hands, desperate for something else to focus on.

But it doesn't work.

With my hands in tight fists, I keep my eyes directed to my lap. I can't bring myself to make eye contact with my siblings, specifically my sister. My heart feels like it's been torn in two, conflicting emotions plague my mind as I try to debate on who to comfort first.

I know Leo's in good hands, Jack and Charlie will make sure he's okay... but I want him to know that I'm here, too.

We — all of us — have made so many mistakes when it comes to his well-being, I don't want his first visit home to be the beginning of the end. I don't want our promises to become empty words for him. I want to show him that I meant it when I said I'd always be here for him.

And then there's Lily.

I know she's felt withdrawn from us. Ever since Leo's attempt, we've all recoiled into this shell of fear, too lost in our heads to focus on anything or anyone else. We've gave her time, sure, but sometimes time isn't enough on its own.

Lily has always needed a little extra attention, more than any of my younger siblings. She craves to know she's loved, wanted, cared for. Her old feelings of neglect heighten in times that she feels insecure in her environment, often resulting in her acting differently to how she usually would.

She needs to be reassured that she'll always have a home here, that she won't be abandoned or abused by us, like she has been by others in the past. The love we have for her is effortless to give, but to her, it's just as effortless to be taken away.

I've tried, god I've tried, to reassure her that everything will be okay, that's she is and always will be loved. I've tried to convince her that Leo loves her, that he's not purposely trying to hurt her with his distance. But it's hard to reassure her when she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

She doesn't know the whole story, nor do the twins. The last two months for them have been nothing more than confusion, weak lies and half stories.

One minute they're witnessing their brother being reprimanded for his substance abuse, hours later they find out their brother has tried to kill himself and then, the icing on the very tall cake of trauma, they get told that their brother is going to be living in a mental hospital for the next three to six months.

How are they meant to feel — meant to react to that?

How are any of us meant to react to that?