Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Sorry

Nick was up early the next morning, dressed and ready long before Charlie would be awake, he knew. It was torture, waiting until late enough.

At last he went downstairs, ducked his mother's questions, explained that he was running over to Charlie's, and burst out of the house. He was halfway there before he realized it was raining at all, much less how hard it was raining, and by that point he was wet enough that it didn't matter.

The distance to Charlie's house, which usually seemed so short, felt like it took forever to cover, and at his top speed, too. By the time he reached it and knocked on the door, he was panting for breath. Or maybe that was just his nerves.

At last Charlie opened the door, and Nick found the breath to say, "Hi."

"Hi." Charlie stood frozen; it was impossible to tell what he was thinking.

Nick stood there in the rain, trying to think what to say. "Um ... I'm sorry for not texting you. I ... I just wanted to talk in person."

"Okay. Just ..." Charlie darted out into the rain, grasping Nick by the arms and pulling him into the house. "Just come in, you're getting soaked."

"Yeah, good idea."

"Did you forget a coat?"

"Oh. Uh ... Yeah, I didn't check the weather before I left."

Charlie smiled at him. "Idiot."

That smile sent warmth all through Nick. Maybe he could make this right, then. Somehow. "Um ..." He cleared his throat, still trying to find the words, still not entirely sure what he was going to say. "So, about last night. Um ... I just wanted to say that—"

But before he could get any further, Charlie's mum walked into the entry. "Nick. I didn't know you were coming round." She didn't sound pleased.

"Um ... yeah. Sorry, yeah."

"He's just picking up a jumper he left here last week," Charlie lied.

"Right." Charlie's mum looked at them both as though she wasn't entirely sure Nick should be here. Then again, she usually looked at him a little bit like that. "Uh, well, don't forget we're going to Grandma's this morning, Charlie. And you could've at least changed out of your pyjamas."

Nick and Charlie both glanced down at Charlie's pyjamas. Nick thought he looked cute in them. Of course, Nick generally thought Charlie looked cute, which was the issue at hand, after all.

Charlie looked up and caught Nick staring at him, and Nick hastily looked away.

"Let's go to my room." Charlie closed the door, and they went upstairs.

Walking into Charlie's room, Nick stripped off his soaked jumper, dropping it on the bed, and turned around, trying to pick up where he'd left off. "Uh ... So—"

But before he could get a word out, Charlie took a step toward him, his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. "I'm so sorry." Taken by surprise, Nick didn't interrupt him, and Charlie went on, "I'm so sorry. It was ... I didn't think properly about what I was doing. It was a stupid thing to do. And I don't want you to feel awkward about it, because it was all my fault."

"Charlie. Hang on." Nick took a step towards him, but Charlie kept talking.

"I shouldn't have kissed you."

Nick froze. Did Charlie regret it? Did he wish they hadn't kissed?

But Charlie went on, "I bet you just felt pressured to do it because I asked, and now you probably don't want to talk to me ever again, but I at least had to say sorry."

Nick moved another step, feeling even more guilty than before. He hadn't meant to send Charlie down such a dark corridor in his own mind, or leave him with the impression that Nick hadn't wanted to do what they'd done.

Charlie kept going. "See if maybe there's a chance we can still be friends?"

"Charlie." Nick moved even closer, grasping Charlie by the arms, and still Charlie didn't stop.

"I don't want to lose you because I did something stupid."

Nick took Charlie's face in his hands and said his name firmly one more time, tilting his head up gently so that he was looking into Charlie's eyes. This time Charlie stopped talking, but he looked utterly terrified.

There was only one thing Nick could think about doing, standing this close: kissing him again. He was a little afraid of how much he wanted to, but it felt right at the same time. He bent his head and kissed Charlie, so there could be no doubt about whose idea it was.

Charlie's arms came round him, his hand fisting in the fabric of Nick's shirt, and he stood up on his tiptoes to get closer. Nick held his face and kissed him harder.

The kiss broke, and they looked into each other's eyes, equally startled and speechless.

"Um ..." Charlie said softly.

If Nick had thought his reaction to Charlie's kiss last night had been a one-time thing, an effect of the party and nerves and newness, this kiss had ended that speculation. It was so much more than he could ever have imagined. He let go of Charlie's face slowly, reluctantly, and stepped back, trying to remember how to breathe, trying to think clearly enough to say what needed to be said. "God."

Nick had made such a mess of things last night. He wanted to fix it now, to explain, but it was so hard when he didn't even know what he was feeling from one moment to the next. "I'm so sorry, I—" He went to Charlie's bed and sat down, searching for the words. "I'm just so sorry I ran away last night." He'd thought he'd cried all the tears that were in him already, but he could feel them building again as he spoke. "I was just freaking out because, uh, I was confused, and surprised, and, like, honestly ... I'm having a proper, full-on gay crisis."

It was such a relief to say that out loud, finally, especially to Charlie.

"And it's not that I didn't want to, you know, kiss you." He couldn't even say the word without thinking about how that had felt last night—and this morning. Like nothing he'd ever felt before. "I just ... I was just so confused. I've just been so, so confused." He could barely get the words out without breaking down into a fresh bout of tears.

Still staring at him in surprise and concern, Charlie came and sat down on the bed next to him.

"I just think I need some time to ... figure this out."

Charlie put his arm round Nick's shoulders. Nick turned to look at him, feeling that sense of safety that seemed to only come when he was near Charlie these days, bent his head to rest against Charlie's shoulder, and started to cry. He wrapped his arms around Charlie and held on.

Getting hold of himself, at least a little, he sat up and looked Charlie in the eyes. Charlie smiled, gently, reassuring him, letting him know it was okay, not pulling away or telling him to stop crying. So Nick put his head back down on Charlie's shoulder and let himself cry, and Charlie held him as long as he needed.