Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Anger

Nick finally caught up with Charlie as he exited to the car park. Charlie turned towards him and they stood looking at one another.

"My dad's here," Charlie said. "I have to go." His voice and face were absolutely lifeless and Nick felt the pain of each word. He had done this, because he hadn't been able to stand up for Charlie. For them.

"Charlie." He followed as Charlie turned away across the car park, unable to leave it like this. "Hey." He ran a few steps to catch up, putting his hand on Charlie's shoulder to stop him. "Wait."

Charlie turned to face him in the darkness again, but he didn't say anything.

"I'm so sorry," Nick told him, feeling like the words were only a faint echo of how bad he felt, and not nearly enough to make up for ... any of it.

"It's fine." Charlie's face was completely closed off in a way Nick rarely saw, especially these days, and it made him sick to think it was his fault Charlie looked like that.

It wasn't fine. It never had been. "No. Harry was being a complete idiot and some of the others were being really unfriendly and ... We should have just left." He was so angry, with himself and his friends—how had he been friends with such horrible people for so long and never known what they were really like?

"Nick. I'm honestly used to it by now."

If anything, it made Nick more upset that Charlie seemed to be implying that he had made it worse by expecting anything different, by even trying to get Harry to stop. And underneath that, he was terribly, terribly ashamed of himself for standing by and not speaking up. Really, how hard would it be to say that Charlie was his boyfriend? But something stopped him every time he thought about saying it.

"I'll see you at school." And Charlie turned to walk away without another word.

Nick stood there, watching him go, feeling utterly devastated. From the terrible behaviour of his mates to the unexpected pain of hearing Charlie deny him to the emptiness in Charlie's voice to the chill he felt now standing here watching Charlie walk away from him ...

If he lost Charlie, he thought suddenly, he didn't know what he would do. He really, really didn't.

The only thing he did know for sure was that Harry Greene had made enough people miserable in his life, and he was going to answer for what he'd done today.

Nick marched into the cinema, more angry with every step, and turned Harry around. "Go on, then," he demanded. "What's your problem with Charlie?"

"Well, he doesn't exactly fit in with us, does he?" All the others laughed, as if that had been funny, or clever. "He can't play rugby; he's got this weird friend who won't leave me alone. You can't just bring some gay boy into our group and expect us all to immediately love him."

Nick was seething, trying to keep hold of his temper. He took a step closer to Harry. "So this is a problem with him being gay?"

"Oh, come on, none of us are being homophobic."

"Just shut up, Harry!" Nick shouted. "You made him so uncomfortable with all your gay questions."

"Someone really needs to learn to take a joke."

"No, but you weren't joking, though, were you? You just saw the perfect opportunity to make someone feel miserable and humiliated. As usual."

"I'm sure he can deal with it. He's probably used to it by now." Harry grinned, and looked at all the others for support. Which they gave him. Their entire friend group just went along with the stupid and terrible things Harry said, all the time. Why did they do that? Encouraged by their laughter, their acceptance, Harry shoved Nick hard in the chest. "Aw. You're getting so angry." He did it again. "You can't help but want to protect him, can you? Because he's a pathetic. Little. Fag."

At the last word, Nick lost control of himself entirely. His fist had smashed into Harry's mouth before he had time to think.

Harry was knocked back, but he was up on his feet again immediately, grabbing Nick by the shoulders. They pushed at each other, neither letting go. Nick was shoved into the wall, but he was bigger and stronger than Harry, so he was able to turn round and push Harry back in his place. Harry got an arm free and wrapped it around Nick's neck, pulling him down so that Harry's other fist connected hard with his eye and nose.

Nick barely felt the pain over the force of his anger. Nothing was going to keep him from giving Harry exactly what was coming to him. The others were surrounding them, making half-hearted attempts to pull them apart but mostly encouraging them, when security came and broke up the fight, kicking them all out of the mall.

Security waited with them as their parents came to pick them up. Nick's mum pulled up, her lips pinched and her face hard in a way Nick hadn't seen her look in a long time—and almost never at him. He got into the car, holding a tissue to his bloody nose.

She drove a bit without speaking before saying in an even tone, like she was trying to keep her own temper, "So, are you going to tell me what happened?"

He was ashamed to explain—and, even more shamefully, still afraid of telling her the truth. "There's not really anything to tell."

"Oh, Nicky, come on, baby," she snapped impatiently.

She'd brought Nellie, who crouched on the floor at Nick's feet. Nick reached down to stroke her soft fur. "Harry was saying some really nasty stuff about Charlie. He's been really gross and mean about him for ages, and I just ..." He looked away, feeling badly, but more about how things had been left with Charlie than what he had done to Harry. "I lost it."

His mum glanced at him, but didn't say anything.

"I'm just so angry at myself for not seeing that all my friends ... suck."

"Sweetheart, you know, fighting is not the answer."

"I know." But sometimes it was the only way to get through, Nick thought. "He just used a really bad word."

His mum looked at him a little longer this time, studying his face. "I see." After a moment, she added, "Charlie's a really special friend, isn't he?"

Nick hesitated. He should tell her. He should tell her right now. But ... if she said anything ... He looked down at Nellie. He hated that he was afraid to tell his mum, that he could even imagine her not being okay with who he was, but if he looked at her and saw any ... disappointment, or unhappiness, in her face, he would— He didn't know what he would do. So he simply said, "Yeah. He is," and left it at that.