Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Walk

After Nick left Imogen, he thought about texting Charlie to tell him how it had gone. But what he really wanted to do was talk to Charlie. He even briefly considered calling him, but decided instead to walk home past his house and see if he wanted to come out for a bit.

He texted, "Me and Nellie are out for a walk. Come with us?"

Charlie's reply came almost immediately: "be right down"

They waited for him outside. Nellie got up and strained at her leash when she saw him, and Charlie bent to pet her. "Good girl, Nellie."

"It really ought to bother me more than it does that my dog likes you so much," Nick said to him as they started down the sidewalk.

"I think she likes me more than you do," Charlie teased him, and Nick blushed.

"I wouldn't say that." He looked sideways at Charlie, making Charlie blush in his turn.

They walked silently for a block or so before Nick said, "I've just been to talk to Imogen."

"How did she take it?"

"Really well, actually. But when I said I didn't like her like that ... that hurt her." Nick sighed. "I wish I'd had the sense to tell her that from the start. She told me she liked me at Harry's party, but I was so—I was in such a hurry to get away from her, to find you, to figure out what was going on with me, that I didn't even think about what she had said until it was too late. And then I got into that whole date mess."

"But she was okay," Charlie said. "Today."

"Yeah, after I explained. I think—actually, I think she might be someone I could really be friends with. Since so many of my other friends seem to just follow Harry around like dogs, it's nice to know there's someone I can talk to."

"I'm glad."

"I hope the next boy she likes likes her back," Nick said.

"What did you tell her?"

Nick thought back. He felt strangely shy about explaining to Charlie what he had told Imogen, that he was finding parts of himself he only dimly remembered coming back as he spent more time with Charlie. It was one thing to like Charlie, but to be this completely changed by him ... that was hard to put into words. "I told her that ... that ..." Nick stopped, frowning, as he tried to explain. "That I've just been ... going along, doing things without thinking, and now I feel like I'm not that person anymore, but I'm so ... so scared to change, to—to surprise people. To cause comment." He looked up at Charlie. "Then I realised I've never actually told you that."

"I knew." Charlie reached for his hand.

"Is it silly that I'm afraid of what they'll say?"

"You forget that I had a trial by fire last year. I don't know how much you know, but I didn't come out; I was found out. It wasn't my choice. And I know all the things people say. I'm used to them by now. I don't care any longer. But it's hard when you're not used to it, and you don't expect it, and the things being said come from people you thought were your friends."

"Yeah." Nick nodded, squeezing Charlie's hand. He wished he'd been there for Charlie last year, wished he'd known more of him than simply 'some year 9 boy came out as gay'. "I'm sorry that happened to you. And I'm glad that you have friends who stood by you. It was really nice hanging out with them yesterday. And you."

Charlie smiled. "Even though Tao was terrible?"

"If he heard that whole date thing, then he had reason to be. I wish I'd just told you, straight out, what happened, but I was so ashamed, and I ... I wanted to find a way out of it without hurting either of you, and then I ended up hurting both of you." He sighed heavily. "I feel like I keep doing that."

"You were trying to be nice," Charlie said. "I get that."

Nick shook his head. "I was anything other than nice."

"You'll know better for next time."

"There better never be a next time. I just want all of them to leave me alone. I don't get why Harry is so obsessed with me getting with a girl, anyway."

Charlie shook their joined hands lightly, then smiled. "I was so glad you came yesterday."

"Did you think I wouldn't?" He remembered how relieved Charlie had been when he showed up. Was that his fault, too? Had he somehow made Charlie believe he might not come after all?

"Well ... I just really wanted you to be there, and I don't trust things like that to come true."

Stopping abruptly, Nick turned to look at Charlie. "Tao thinks I'm messing with you. Do you—do you think that?"

"No! No."

Nick's eyes searched his face. Charlie's eyes were wide and honest, but Charlie hid himself so well, it was hard to say what he really thought. He chose to take him at his word. "Good. I know it has to be frustrating for you, waiting for me to figure things out, and you've been so patient. I promise I'm trying."

"Hey." Charlie stepped closer to him. "You take the time you need. I don't want you to rush yourself. Okay? Look at this weekend. You came to my birthday party, you hung out with my friends, you all—mostly—got along. You kissed me in the middle of the arcade!"

"I suppose I did." Nick smiled at the memory. "That was really nice."

"You don't regret it?"

"Not at all." They were very close to each other now, their words little more than murmurs, and in another moment they were kissing here on the sidewalk.

They broke apart before it could get too distracting, both immediately looking around in case they'd been seen. But there was no one.

Charlie smiled. "I should get back. But ... don't worry, okay?"

"Okay." He would try, but it was hard not to when it was his own head that was holding them back, and he had no idea how to clear it.