Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Outside

Another week of school, more of this strange double life Nick was suddenly leading where everything was normal unless he was near Charlie—and being near Charlie was the only thing that felt normal.

After a particularly bad rugby practise, in which Charlie had dodged another tackle, Nick walked back to the locker room with Otis and Harry, all of them worrying about the upcoming St. John's match. Nick was very sorry this was going to be Charlie's first game—he didn't expect them to even come close to winning, and it was always a hard-fought match. Fun for those on the team who were pretty good, not so much for those who weren't. And for Charlie? It was likely to be miserable.

It was only once they reached the locker room and Nick started to take off his shoes that he realised Charlie wasn't there yet. He thought it might have been Charlie's turn to collect the cones ... but it might also be more than that.

Retying his shoe, Nick got up and went back out to the pitch. He stood watching for a few minutes as Charlie attacked the tackling dummies again and again, building up his confidence. He knew Charlie could do it—he had tackled Nick in their teaching sessions a number of times, and he was going after the dummies well right now.

Charlie stood up and saw Nick watching him. They met in between, in the middle of the pitch, and Nick nearly reached for Charlie's hand before remembering where they were. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Fine. Just ... practising. I'm sor—"

"You don't have to be. We were all new at this once." Now he did reach for Charlie's hand, squeezing it briefly, reassuringly. "You don't have to be good at rugby for me." He smiled. "There has to be something I'm better at than you." It was true, rugby was about the only place where he was better than Charlie. And he didn't mind that at all.

Charlie blushed and ducked his head. "Shut up."

"But we can practise together, if you want. If it would help."

"It's not really the same when it's you. I'm not afraid of you."

"Well, I'm glad of that." More than glad; hearing Charlie say he trusted him warmed Nick all through.

The next day Nick met his friends for lunch for the first time in quite a few days. He and Charlie had decided not to have lunch together every day, much as they would have liked to. Charlie's friends were complaining, and even Nick's were beginning to ask questions he didn't have answers to. Although, as Nick spied Charlie's friends today, he didn't see Charlie, and he wondered where he was.

Unfortunately, Nick wasn't the only one who had noticed Charlie's friends. Harry had, too, and he decided it would be funny to chuck the rugby ball at the head of one of them, shouting out "Oi, catch!"

It bounced off the boy's head, and he put his hand up, wincing. Nick thought that was Tao, but he wasn't sure.

"Sorry, mate," said one of Nick's friends, even as the boy got up from the table to pick up the ball.

Nick broke away from his group, approaching Charlie's friend. "You okay?"

"Yes." Tao, if that's who it was, picked up the ball and glared at Nick.

"Can I have the ball back?"

Tao held the ball out, but when Nick reached for it, he snatched it back. Well, that was fair, Nick supposed. His friends were laughing at him trying to be nice, which wasn't a good look for them. "No," Tao said firmly. "It's mine now."

Nick's friends all said, "Ooh," as if they were waiting for Nick to fight about it, or something. Stupid Harry, chucking their ball at people. Nick looked at both of Charlie's friends, decided not to pursue the question, and turned away.

Only to have the ball hit him in the back of the head, to his friends' vocal amusement. He turned around and looked back at Tao, wondering how much Charlie's friends knew, or suspected. Clearly, whatever they knew, they didn't like. And he supposed there was no reason why they should. Nick bent and picked up the ball, and without another word, went to join his stupid friends.

Later that afternoon, he and Charlie took Nellie for a walk. It was a pretty day, cool and crisp, and it was so nice to be outside with Charlie and with his dog. Usually Nick liked to talk, but today it was lovely just to walk together, enjoying the day. Still ... he was worried about the rugby, and about his friends, and Charlie's friends, and the whole situation.

"Charlie," he said abruptly. "About the St. John's match ..."

Cutting him off, Charlie said, "It's okay. I won't—I won't do anything ... embarrassing, or let anyone guess anything. I promise."

"That's—" It wasn't at all what Nick had intended to say, but it effectively stopped him anyway. He wished he could tell Charlie it was okay, and it didn't matter what anyone guessed. When they were together this way, by themselves, Nick felt like he wanted to shout it out loud for anyone to hear. But once they were around other people, fear settled over him. Fear of how people would look at him, what they would say, whether he really knew who he was anyway. He didn't know why he should be afraid of any of that, but he was, and he couldn't seem to get past it. "Okay."

He walked Charlie back to his house, then took Nellie home. As soon as he unclipped her leash, she ran to his mum, begging for her dinner.

His mum bent and ruffled Nellie's fur. "You smell like the woods, old girl. Did you two have a lovely walk?" she asked Nick.

"Charlie went with us," he told her.

"Oh? That's nice. I'm glad you two are spending so much time together."

Nick smiled. It made him happy that she liked Charlie so much. "Mum."

"Yes?"

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her—but what would he say? He still didn't know what there was to tell. And if she didn't take him seriously, or didn't ... No. The risk was too great. Not now. "Dinner smells good."

Nick thought she looked disappointed. "Go and wash up, then, and you can help me finish."

"Sure."