Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Lunch

Nick and Charlie had agreed to meet in the music room for lunch today. Nick was there first, as was becoming usual for their lunches together. Charlie rarely ate much of his own lunch, just picking at it, mostly, so Nick had developed the habit of showing up early and eating quickly so they had more time to talk.

Charlie came in just as Nick was washing down the last bite of his sandwich with his Fanta. Nick looked up and smiled. "Hi."

"Hi." Charlie returned the smile, sliding down the wall to sit next to Nick and reaching for his hand.

They didn't kiss in school. Even if Nick had been ready to push those boundaries, which he wasn't, kissing Charlie was such an all-consuming activity that he couldn't imagine doing it in school and then trying to go sit through class.

Charlie was lost in thought, and Nick shook their joined hands to get his attention. "Hey. You spacing out on me?"

"Sorry."

Frowning gently at him in response to his least favourite word, Nick asked, "What's up?"

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"You." Charlie smiled shyly.

"Oh." Nick blushed and looked away.

"What were you thinking about?" Charlie asked him.

Nick took a deep breath. It was all such a mess, like everything in his head these days. "Just about ... my friends, and me, and how I'm still the same person I was, but I'm ... different, too."

"You don't have to change who you are, Nick."

"No. I mean, I do, at least a little. Like, before, I was ... I was sure I was straight, and now I—now I don't know what I am. But I'm still, you know, a rugby player, and ... and I still have these friends who I've had for years, and I'm still the person they think they know, but at the same time I'm ... I'm this person, with you. And I don't know how I can be both." He shook their joined hands again. "I don't know. Does this make any sense?"

"Yeah. It does." Charlie sat up on his knees, looking at Nick earnestly. "It's not easy, what you're going through. Not for anyone. And your ... friends don't make it any easier."

Nick couldn't deny that. His friends expected him to be a certain type of person, and he—well, he had always expected himself to be that, too, and he didn't know how to stop, or change. He looked at Charlie, wishing his friends didn't make it so difficult for him to be part of the team. "They do make some unkind remarks, don't they? I'm sorry if they bother you."

"What did you tell me about apologising for things that aren't your fault?"

"I know, but I'm the one who brought you onto the team."

"And I'm the one who can't play and is constantly embarrassing you."

"Hey." Nick looked him in the eyes. "You are not. You've worked incredibly hard to catch up. It's only the tackling, and that's the hardest part."

"I know." But Charlie looked away; it was clear he didn't buy it. "But ... you're the one who brought me onto the team, and if I don't do well, the others are going to hassle you."

"You're not seriously worried about that, are you? I can handle them. I brought some of them onto the team, too, last year and the year before, and they didn't work half as hard as you have. Don't worry about me."

It occurred to him that his friends were a lot more challenging than he'd ever thought they were. Maybe because he'd never asked them for anything. If he really needed them to understand, if he wanted to come out to them, would any of them support him? He wished he thought they would, but he doubted it.

"Did your friends help you?" he asked Charlie. "Last year."

"Oh, yes. Tao and Isaac were incredibly supportive once they knew what was going on. Elle—Elle had her own issues, but she was there for me, too."

"I'm glad you had them."

"And you have me." Charlie reached for Nick's hand again. "I'm not going to rush you. Take your time."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"Because I feel like—I feel like it's not fair to you, making you ... pretend, for me." It would be so hard to stop seeing Charlie, if that's what he wanted, but Nick would have understood, too. He was putting Charlie in a terribly awkward position, and he couldn't seem to make any progress toward being more comfortable with who he was, and, by extension, who they were together. When they were alone, it was one thing. He could be the Nick he was with Charlie, and be happy with it. But when he tried to put that Nick together with the Nick he used to be, the Nick everyone else expected to see, that was when he got into such a tangle that he didn't think he'd ever find a way out.

"It's okay. It really is," Charlie told him. "I understand."

Nick searched Charlie's face, seeing there only support and caring and understanding, and he squeezed Charlie's hand before letting it go.

Charlie's phone chimed, and he checked it quickly. Reading the text, he frowned and sighed. "My friends aren't happy that I'm eating so many lunches with you," he said. "Well, no, not my friends. Just Tao."

"With me, or not with them?"

"Both."

Nick laughed softly. "It's nice that you have friends who care enough about you that they miss you at lunch." He didn't want to be the person who came between Charlie and his friends. Charlie needed them; and Nick could only imagine that they must need Charlie. Who wouldn't? "If you want to spend fewer lunches together so you can make your friends happy, that's okay."

Charlie shifted so he was sitting next to Nick again, reaching for his hand and resting his head on his shoulder. "I'd rather spend more lunches with you so that I can make you happy."

Nick ducked his head again, blushing, but he couldn't help smiling. Charlie definitely did make him happy, and these lunches together were the highlight of his school day when they happened.

"Still ..." Charlie sighed. "I should probably spend more time with Tao. He and Elle were really good friends. Her leaving was hard on him."

"I'll miss you." Nick leaned his head against Charlie's, and they sat like that together until the bell rang.