Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Headache

The closer they got to the party, the more Nick worried. What would his friends say? Would he freeze up and be unable to speak when he tried to tell them? How would Charlie feel if yet one more opportunity to come out went by? Would he— How long would it be before Nick not coming out was just one more disappointment in Charlie's life? His head was pounding, and he felt nauseous and dizzy by turns.

They were with Tara, Tori, and Isaac. Tara's nose was in her phone, texting Darcy. Isaac had a book in his hands, as usual. He looked up from it at the gathering ahead of them. "This definitely isn't legal, is it?"

"Nope," Tori said. Nick had no idea why Charlie's sister had picked tonight, of all nights, to start being social instead of staying home like she mostly did, but she made him extra nervous. He knew how protective she was of Charlie, how important she was to Charlie, and he wanted to impress her, to make sure she knew her brother was safe with him. But how could she believe that, if he couldn't do the simplest thing and acknowledge that Charlie was his boyfriend?

"Darcy's not replying to my messages. I'm going to go find her." Without even looking up from her phone, Tara went off into the crowd.

James came running up to Isaac, smiling broadly. "Did you want a drink?" When Isaac didn't respond, he said rapidly, nervously, "Not alcohol. I mean, there is alcohol if you want it, but if you don't, that's cool, too."

Nick sympathised. That's how he still felt around Charlie sometimes, just completely unable to believe someone so amazing existed, or that he could possibly like him back.

Isaac smiled wider, and the two of them left together.

Tori looked up at Nick. "Look after him, or you die."

"Tori!" Charlie protested, laughing a little bit.

But Nick got the message, loud and clear. Tori wasn't joking even a little bit. "Okay."

Then it was just them, just Nick and Charlie.

"What's up?" Charlie asked.

"I'm fine. Just, um ... headache."

"We can leave if you want."

He did want. He wanted to go someplace quiet, just the two of them. But ... he also wanted to be here, to get this over with, to finally be open about who he was. "I'm fine. I promise."

As they made their way through the crowds, it didn't occur to Nick that "fine" was Charlie's word for when he wasn't telling the truth.

"It's very loud, isn't it?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah." Nick looked around, desperate to get out of the crowd. "Come on." He didn't reach for Charlie's hand as they worked their way into the forest, finding a lovely quiet clearing where no one else was around.

Except for Tara and Sahar, lying on a blanket. Sahar looked up at the two of them. "Too loud for you?"

Charlie nodded. "Yeah."

"It's nicer here."

They lay down together, a little way away from the blanket. For the first time in what felt like ages, Nick thought maybe he could relax, here mostly alone with Charlie. He pulled out his phone and started taking pictures of the two of them.

Charlie blushed. "Must you always do that?"

"Always."

"Give it here."

"No, no, no," Nick protested, keeping the phone out of Charlie's grasping hands. "This is my duty as boyfriend."

"Stop it!"

"I am just taking adorable pictures."

"Okay, well ... no. No." Charlie managed to get the phone away, and Nick went into attack mode.

"I will tickle you." And he proceeded to do so until Charlie gave up and let him have the phone back. They smiled at each other. There really was nowhere else Nick ever wanted to be but where Charlie was. Everything always felt right when they were together.

Charlie sat up. "Are you sure you want to come out to the rugby boys tonight? If you're not feeling well—"

In fact, he was neither sure nor feeling well. But he was tired of making excuses for himself. He had promised Charlie, and he had done nothing about keeping that promise. "I'm fine. I can do this."

Leaning closer, Charlie said, "Just think about us being out as a couple in Paris. Holding hands in the Louvre. Kissing in front of the Mona Lisa."

It sounded lovely. If only it could just be the two of them, and they didn't have to worry about pesky other people. "Yeah."

"Come on." Charlie scrambled to his feet and held out a hand.

Reluctantly, Nick took it. He wanted to do this; he needed to do this. But he was so terribly afraid he wasn't going to be able to.

"Let's go find them." Charlie led him by the hand out of the quiet clearing and toward the noise and chaos of the bonfire.

The party was way bigger now than it had been when they went into the woods. People everywhere, so many voices and such loud music, so much colour and movement. Nick's head hurt worse than ever. He followed Charlie, who seemed much more confident than Nick felt.

Then someone put their arm round Charlie's shoulder and pulled him away, talking loudly at him, and someone else did the same thing to Nick, tugging him in a different direction. He kept looking over his shoulder, trying to see where Charlie was. He felt so lost without him, so dizzy and sick.

Sai was there, suddenly, next to him. Nick had no idea where he had come from. "There you are, Nick."

And Otis, too. "You should light the fire! As captain, you've earned it."

Still searching the crowd for Charlie, Nick was only able to focus on one thing—his promise. "I, um ... I need to talk to you guys."

But then Harry was there, in his face, so loud. Nick could barely understand what was happening. If he could only find Charlie, then he could get his bearings again. But Charlie was nowhere to be found.

And Harry was shouting over the crowd for everyone to shut up. "Are we ready to burn some shit?"

The momentary silence ended in raucous cheering, the sound deafening, pounding in Nick's head.