Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Difficult

For the first time in weeks, there were no texts from Charlie that night after the cinema, not even the usual "good-night". Nick tried to text him something, anything, but the last string of texts were so romantic and lovely, Nick couldn't bear to bring the ugliness of today into the thread. Maybe Charlie felt the same way.

There was nothing in the morning, either. Nick was grateful for form, because it meant they would have to see each other, but they wouldn't have a chance to talk, and Nick desperately needed to talk to Charlie.

He went right by the usual table outside without stopping. Harry glared at him, and he glared back at Harry, but neither of them spoke or made a move toward each other.

Nick sat staring at the wall until Charlie arrived. He turned to look at Charlie as he took his seat. "Hi."

Charlie's jaw dropped, and he pointed at Nick's eye, which didn't hurt that much, but definitely looked bad. "What happened?"

He'd forgotten that Charlie had left before the fight and wouldn't know about it. "Oh. Uh ... yeah. I kind of got into a fight. With Harry. After you left and I went back to the group, he ... He started saying some ... things about you. I just lost it."

Charlie kept looking at him, waiting for the rest.

Nick went on, "And punched him, and ... yeah."

"Nick," Charlie said softly. He was so upset Nick thought he might cry. "You didn't have to do that. I promise, I'm used to people saying stuff about me."

"No, but you shouldn't have to be. People shouldn't be saying stuff about you in the first place. You shouldn't have to put up with anything like that!" Charlie shouldn't have had to, not ever, and Tara shouldn't have had to. Even above his own concerns about coming out, Nick felt protective of the people he cared about—no one should be making them feel bad for being who they were.

"I'm sorry," Charlie whispered.

Nick hated that he said that about things that were done to him by other people. He had no reason to apologise for them. "No," he snapped. "You're not allowed to say the 's' word."

Charlie looked at him, but didn't say anything.

Fixing his eyes on the opposite wall, Nick sighed. "I don't even want to be friends with those people anymore." In some ways, it hurt to say it, but in others, it was a relief. He hadn't enjoyed spending time with them in—well, had he ever? If so, he couldn't remember it now.

"I don't expect you to dump your friends for me," Charlie whispered in distress. "Some of the rugby boys are nice."

Nick wished he could somehow make Charlie understand that he wanted to dump his friends because they weren't good people, not because of Charlie himself. How could they—how could he—have let that happen last night? "Even they just ... stood there. I'm tired of all of them." He remembered how good he'd felt on Friday, spending time with Charlie's friends. Their friends. And now here he was right back here again, angry and miserable because of his own friends. He was so tired of feeling sad, and scared, and ashamed, and confused.

He hated not having things right with Charlie, he hated that he had put them in this position. Tears stung his eyes. Without caring at all that they were in the middle of form, he laid his head on Charlie's shoulder. After a moment, he felt the soft pressure of Charlie's head leaning against his.

They sat that way until the bell rang and they had to go to class.

That night, he finally got a text from Charlie, asking him to have lunch at school the next day.

He responded immediately, his heart leaping with hope that maybe somehow they could get past this. "Yeah of course!! You ok?" He waited, but there was nothing else. Not even the "good-night".

They barely spoke at form. Just "hi" and nothing else. Like it had been when they didn't know each other at all. Nick was hoping lunch would be easier.

Neither he or Charlie had any food with them. He didn't know about Charlie, but Nick didn't have much of an appetite this week. He took the seat across from Charlie at the table. "Hey." There was no answering "hey", just Charlie looking at him with distress in his eyes. "You okay?"

"Um ... So I was thinking. About me and you?"

All the breath went out of Nick in a rush. Charlie couldn't be about to— No. He couldn't. It wasn't possible. "Okay."

"And I just think ... I mean, the fight with Harry was my fault."

"It wasn't, though."

"It was. It was my fault. Becoming friends with you, and, you know, everything that's happened. I've been making your life really difficult."

Nick looked at him across the table, hearing what Charlie was really saying—that Nick had made his life really difficult, because Nick was afraid to come out, because he insisted on hiding what they were to one another. Because he wasn't strong enough to be what Charlie needed. If Charlie broke up with him because he was a coward, that was just what he deserved.

Charlie went on, "So I was thinking ... maybe it would be better if ... if we just ... um ..."

Holding his breath, Nick waited for Charlie to finish the sentence and break his heart.

But before Charlie could get the words out, someone came by calling out, "Come on! Apparently, Harry Greene's fighting some year 10 by the picnic tables."

Nick and Charlie looked at each other and instantly knew who the year 10 in question must be. They joined the mob of boys exiting the cafeteria, but being faster than most, outpaced the majority of them by the time they reached the field.

Harry had Tao on the ground and was pounding him while a circle of boys called out encouragement. Nick was disgusted by the whole lot of them. He pushed his way through easily, since most of them weren't rugby players and he was used to this kind of thing, and he grabbed Harry by the arms and pulled him off Tao.

The spectators were not happy about this, booing loudly. Harry attacked Nick, then, shoving him back and back until, just as Nick was about to retaliate, one of the teachers was there, catching Nick and moving him out of the way before collaring Harry and taking him off.

Charlie had taken Tao out of the circle. Over the heads of the other boys, Nick saw Tao run off, leaving Charlie alone. Nick started toward him, but another teacher caught him by the shoulder and took him off to explain what had happened. By the time he was out of it, classes had started, and Charlie was gone by the end of the day when Nick went to look for him.