Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Awful

Nick was lost somewhere in a crowd of faceless people all chanting "Fire! Fire! Fire!" He couldn't find Charlie; he wasn't even sure where he was anymore.

He pushed through the chaos until he found restful darkness and quiet. His head cleared a little, and he called Charlie's name, again and again, as he walked through the forest. He wasn't certain where he was going, just that he needed to find Charlie.

Hunkering down in front of a tent, he came face-to-face with Tori.

"Hi."

"Sorry, um ..."

"Where's Charlie?"

"I, um ... I lost him. Sorry." He wanted to tell her that he'd tried, that he was still trying, but she'd just tell him it wasn't good enough. He wasn't good enough. Which was true.

"You said you'd look after him. Not very good at keeping your promises, are you?"

No. No, he wasn't.

"You don't look well," Tori observed.

That worked out, because he didn't feel at all well. But if he could find Charlie, then everything would be better. "I'll find him. I promise."

Little as he wanted to, Nick worked himself back into the noisy crowd, his eyes out for Charlie's dark curls. He had to be here, didn't he? Or had he left? Had he grown sick of Nick's cowardice and given up on him and gone home?

Suddenly the rugby boys were in front of him, Otis, Sai, and Christian, asking him if he was all right.

"Yeah, I, uh, just, um ... I just needed to talk to you guys about something." If he could just do this one thing, tell this one group, it would get easier.

The three of them were staring at him, but all he could hear in his head was Tori's voice. You're bisexual? So you're going to cheat on my brother? He wanted to tell her he wouldn't, never ever, but then Imogen was speaking to him from somewhere. Are you sure you're not just gay? He was sure, he wanted to say. He knew who he was.

Then Harry Greene looped an arm round Nick's neck. "Aww. Share with the group." He was really here; Nick could tell he was by the sour odour of alcohol on his breath. "Come on. Spit it out."

Everything was swirling round him, his head absolutely pounding. Then he heard Ben speaking, like a snake: It's fun, isn't it? Sneaking around with him. But that wasn't what they were doing, Nick wanted to protest. People knew! David sneered at him: Pick a side; and then Charlie's voice, reminding him that he'd promised to come out. Nick looked wildly around for Charlie, to apologise, trying to ignore David saying that he should've known Nick would turn out to be gay and Tori reminding him that Charlie was still having to lie for him, weeks after he should have been able to stop.

"Nick doesn't want to talk to you, Harry." It was Charlie's voice, but this time he was really here, standing next to him, shoving Harry off of him. "Piss off."

Harry laughed. "Oi, what's his problem?" He drifted back into the crowd, where Ben and Imogen were standing together, Imogen staring at Charlie, Ben ostentatiously bending his head to whisper in her ear.

Nick was trying to regain his bearings, but he felt dizzy and sick and just awful.

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked him.

"I feel really ill."

"I'm taking you home." Taking his hand, Charlie led him through the crowd and into the cool darkness of the forest. "Do you want to walk, or shall we have your mum pick us up?"

He wasn't sure he could talk to another person right now, not even his mum. "Walk, I think. It'll clear my head."

"Okay." Charlie kept hold of his hand as they walked. "I saw Tao."

It seemed to take a long time to think of who Tao was and why Charlie seeing him was remarkable. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. The date didn't go well."

"Oh. Sorry." He was relieved that Charlie didn't talk again the rest of the walk. His head was starting to clear a bit, less noise inside it, and he wanted to keep it that way.

At his house, Charlie opened the door and led him in. Nick had to put a hand on the wall to steady himself while he was taking off his shoes. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, listening to Charlie and his mum talk as if they were talking about someone else.

"How was the party? Nicky, are you all right?"

"He said he felt ill."

"All right. Let me take him."

A familiar soft hand grasped Nick's, and he let her lead him up the stairs. He sank down onto his bed and put his face in his hands. "I can't do it, Mum."

"Can't do what, darling?"

"I can't come out. I promised, and I can't, and—everything feels awful."

"Of course you can. You came out to me." She pressed pyjamas into his hands.

"Yes, but ... I can't to anyone else. And I—what if he thinks I'm—what if he thinks I don't want to? What if—what if he doesn't want to be with me, or he thinks—" He couldn't keep from crying any longer, and his mum sat down next to him and put an arm round him.

"It's a hard thing you're trying to do, Nicky, and Charlie knows that as well as anyone. He probably sees what I do: that you've had an exhausting month taking your exams, which is not your favourite thing, and the two of you have barely seen each other, and on top of all that you're putting this tremendous pressure on yourself to come out to people. The two of you have such good, supportive friends. Have you talked to any of them about this?"

Nick shook his head.

"Well, maybe that's where you should start. And maybe you should talk to Charlie." She squeezed his shoulders. "But first, I want you to put on your pyjamas and get in bed and get a good night's sleep. Maybe take a headache powder." She touched the back of her hand gently to his forehead. "And stop worrying about Charlie. Anyone can see he thinks the sun rises and sets in you."

"You think so?" Then maybe it would be okay. Maybe Charlie could forgive him.

"I know so, darling." She got to her feet, one hand still on his shoulder. "I know it's been hard with David here—no time for movie nights or quiet chats—but I hope you know you can talk to me whenever you need to."

He nodded. "Thanks, Mum."

"Of course, darling. Now get in bed."

"Is—did Charlie go home?"

"No. He took the dog out."

"Oh. Will you—can he come up when he gets back?"

"Yes. I'll send him up. You lie down and get some rest."

"Okay." When she left the room, he found the strength to get up and put on his pyjamas. He climbed into bed and lay there listening for Charlie to come back.