Kaleidoscope (a Heartstopper fanfiction)

Honest

The rest of the party was just fun. Charlie beat Nick at MarioKart again, and at pretty much every other game they tried, too, other than the basketball.

Nick got into his mother's car smiling.

"You have a good time, Nicky?"

"Yeah. I really, really did."

"What did you do about the date with the girl?" she asked as she pulled out onto the street.

"I told her I'd meet her tomorrow and explain. I'm ... gonna tell her that I don't like her that way, and ... apologise."

"Good. That seems fair enough. Next time, remember, it's easier to say no in the moment than to let things build like this."

"Yeah. I think I got that now."

She nodded and they talked about other things all the way home.

In his room that night, Nick pulled out his phone and texted Charlie. "Today was so much fun. Thank you

"it was the best ... cause you were there" Followed by a string of hearts.

Nick sent a few hearts back. "So you had a good birthday?"

"yeah"

"You know, now you can't call me old 'cause we're nearly the same age."

"not for long. when's your birthday?"

"September. See, I'm giving you plenty of time to find me a present." Nick stopped and looked at the text he had just sent. It hadn't occurred to him to think about the future—right now was enough to worry about—but apparently he was just assuming he and Charlie would still be together in the fall. What about next year, and the year after that? Strangely, for someone he hadn't known just a few months ago, he could no longer imagine his life without Charlie—and he didn't want to. Charlie was the first person he thought about when he got up in the morning, the last person he texted before he went to sleep every night. He looked forward to every time they were together, even if it was just to pass in the corridor. And he never wanted that to change.

So, that was that, then. Nick had emotionally committed himself to a long-term relationship with another boy. Didn't that, finally, make it certain that he was gay? It ought to, oughtn't it? Except that he didn't feel gay. While he wasn't attracted to Imogen in that way, he didn't find the idea of kissing her repulsive—he'd just rather not. Under other circumstances, he certainly would have gone on the date. He remembered quite liking kissing Tara. Not the way he liked kissing Charlie, but Charlie was special. No one who kissed Charlie would ever feel anything quite like it again, Nick believed. Was it possible to be straight and to really just fall for one person of your same sex?

He didn't know. What he did know was that he wanted to be with Charlie, and he wanted to be the person he was around Charlie ... while somehow he was also still the person he was used to being among his mates, and he didn't think he could be both. But both of those people lived in his head, and he couldn't keep switching back and forth the way he had been doing. If he told his mates about Charlie, he'd never hear the end of it. If he didn't tell his mates about Charlie, he'd be living a lie—Charlie was daily a more important part of his life.

Suddenly Nick realised that Charlie was still texting him, and he hastily scrolled back through to make sure he hadn't missed anything before catching up in the conversation. The rest of his gay panic would have to be resolved at some other time ... or so he hoped.

The next morning he waited for Imogen in the park, with Nellie on her lead beside him. Imogen approached the bench and Nick stood up to greet her. "Hi."

Nellie hopped down, too, saying hi in her own way, and Imogen bent to pet her. "Oh, my God, is this Nellie?"

Watching her genuine delight as she hugged Nellie close, Nick felt sad for her. It was clear how much she missed her own dog. "I'm really sorry about your dog. I thought Nellie might cheer you up a bit."

Imogen looked up at him and smiled. "Thank you."

They sat down on the bench, Nellie pressing herself against Imogen's legs for more pets. Nick had practised what to say. He couldn't afford to get his words stuck, not if he was going to end this without hurting Imogen any more than he already had. "Sorry about yesterday."

"It's okay."

Charlie said that, too, and he didn't mean it any more than Imogen did.

"Imogen, I— You're a really nice person, but ... I don't like you like that."

That hurt her. Nick could see it in the way her body tensed and the way she looked up like she was about to cry. He had done that, by not being honest with her from the start. He never wanted to do that again to someone he cared about, and Imogen had been a good friend to him for a long time. Better than many of the others.

Nick wanted to explain more, to make her understand at least some of why he had created this mess. "It's not ... anything to do with you, I just don't think we really fit together. I'm not sure that I fit ... with you, or other people in our friend group."

"But ..." Imogen turned to him, confused. "We've been friends for so long and we hang out every morning."

That was true. And he still did that, and he didn't necessarily want to break off all his friendships. Nick searched for words that might make it clear, to her if not to him. "Do you ever feel like you're only doing things because everyone else is? And you're scared to ... change? Or do something that might confuse or ... surprise people? And your real personality has been, like—" He closed his eyes, looking for the right way to describe it. "Buried inside you," he said at last. "For a really long time."

It felt so good to be able to say so much, to try to work through whatever was happening inside him with someone who might listen and understand.

"I guess, um ... that's how I've been feeling recently." He shook his head. "Sorry. That probably makes no sense."

"No," she said. "I think I get it." She smiled a little. "Thanks. For being honest."

"I'm sorry I wasn't from the start. I just ... I never meant to hurt you."

Imogen nodded. He couldn't tell if she believed him or not.

"I should never have agreed to go on the date. It was just—"

"Harry," Imogen finished for him, generously.

Nick nodded. "Harry. What's that about, do you think? Why do you think he was so obsessed with us getting together?"

"Because he can't get a girlfriend, so he wanted to live through you." Imogen said it as though it was obvious.

"Maybe. Anyway, thank you. For listening. And not hitting me." He smiled. "I'd understand if you wanted to."

"No. Maybe I'll chuck something at you in the morning."

Nick laughed. "Fair enough."