GREEN (RL Harry Styles fanfic)

1. Colorless

"Are you happy,?" she asked, as if that were a simple question with an easy answer.

I opened my mouth to reply with the standard 'yes', but nothing came out. I stared down at the half-eaten sandwich and fries before me, somehow hoping it would provide me an answer.

The weight of Jessie's question hung heavy in the air. It was as if when she said it my whole life flashed before me. I felt frozen while visions of present life flickered like an old film. The images were grainy and colorless. I watched the black and white images of my family and friends smiling and laughing around me. I looked out upon a crowd of celebrities and elite all gathered to see my latest collection grace the runway. Exotic places I'd visited in my travels even looked dull and mundane through my brain's filter. As I took in my vision, I was fully aware that in each memory I was sullen and expressionless. I stood motionless as the world was spinning around me. I was there, but I wasn't living.

"I'm not sad," I finally answered while swirling a fry in a pool of ketchup and raising it to my mouth.

"Well that's good." Jessie tried to assure me. It wasn't working.

The truth is, I knew my life was spiraling out of control. To everyone on the outside it seemed like I had it all. I was living my dream as a sought after fashion designer, something I'd wanted since I was a child. I had a beautiful home in the Hollywood Hills, not obnoxiously big, but big enough. And I had a large group of friends. But that was just how it appeared.

To me, the one on the inside of it all, it was a mess. I was feeling uninspired and exhausted from my work. In an effort to get the creativity flowing I only threw myself more into my job, leading to even more exhaustion. My home was beautiful and my sanctuary, but I was barely there because of work. I'd sleep and eat, maybe turn on the television for background noise, but that was it. As for the friends, they were mostly people trying to use me. They wanted to get into parties and hang with the fashion crowd, but they were never there for the real moments, except for a select few, like Jessie.

She was the one who drug me out of my house to grab lunch because I hadn't spoken to her in days. She was the one actually asking about my feelings, and she genuinely cared about my answer.

"What can I do to make you happy, Liv?," Jessie said in a chipper tone, trying to lighten the mood.

"Well I suppose you could start by not wearing Target knock offs of my designs," I teased while tugging on the sleeve of her shirt.

"I thought it was cute, so you should take it as a compliment," she said while lifting her chin and closing her eyes.

"Compliments don't help my bank account Jess," I playfully shot back. I guess getting out of the house wasn't such a bad idea. It was good to see Jessie and step away from work for a bit.

"We should go out tonight, it's been a while since we hit the town. Let's go to one of those new hip places the cool kids go!," she persuaded.

"And that's exactly why we don't go out. When you use phrases like 'cool kids' and 'hip' it just confirms we are too old for the Hollywood scene."

"We are not old! We're barely in our 30s. That's not old," she yelled across the table. People walking by the café turned to look at her sudden increase in volume.

"Well, by Hollywood standards that makes us ancient, but I could use a good stiff drink, so you're on," I agreed. "So what 'hip place' did you have in mind?"

"There's a cool karaoke bar I've been hearing about called the Blind Dragon, and Mick Jagger goes there, so we won't be the old ones," she winked.

"Karaoke? Okay, you've actually got me excited. It'll be like old times when we first moved to LA." We used to go out all the time when Jessie and I had been roommates in fashion school. There was a seedy karaoke bar we frequented that was just the right distance from our apartment that we couldn't get lost in a drunken stumble home.

"Okay, I'll text everyone and see who's up for it. I'll pick you up at 9." Jessie's gesture to pick me up didn't go unnoticed. She knew I'd want to let loose and that I'd be in no shape to drive.

She always let me drive because I loved my car, and hers was, well... a piece of shit. I drove a Tesla, a luxury electric car. It was not only gorgeous and blast to drive, it was also perfect for LA traffic. Since it was electric I got to cruise in the carpool lane to avoid bumper to bumper traffic on the 405 and I wasn't polluting the already smoggy city. Yeah, I was kind of a hippie. Not the flower crown and hairy armpits kind, but the be good to the earth and eat organic kind. Aside from my house, my car was the most expensive purchase I had ever made, but it was my present to myself when I received the Swarovski Award two years ago at the CFDAs. As an up and coming designer it gave me tremendous exposure and significant financial support to my brand.

My career had really taken off after school. I graduated with honors from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, where I attended with Jessie. I was a design major and Jessie was in fashion merchandising. With my workaholic tendencies I spent the next two years busting my butt designing and making every piece in my line to sell to trendy shops off Melrose, eventually opening up my own shop. That led to the right stylists and editors seeing my clothes and my career skyrocketed. I couldn't have dreamed it all if I tried.

Jessie didn't have the same success with her degree. She became the head buyer at a growing retail chain and was convinced she found the top of the season. She placed a massive order and the shirts shipped to stores. It turns out that the phrase printed on the front was considered offensive in some countries and the company lost millions. Needless to say Jessie was fired and has been too terrified to get back into the industry. She makes a living writing a fashion blog now, and a good one I might add.

Jessie and I said our goodbyes and traded our leftovers. It's something we had always done since college. Neither of us could make a decision, so we'd always eat half our food and then swap the other half with one another. Not only did we get to try two things, but it also kept us from stuffing our face. We only ate half so we weren't depriving the other of their portion. Genius, right? I'd probably eat it for dinner before karaoke because I planned on drinking my weight in cocktails, so an empty stomach wasn't a good idea.

I wasn't sure what I was most excited about tonight, the booze, the karaoke bar, or that I was actually excited about something for a change. As I drove home I sang along with the radio to practice my skills, momentarily forgetting how lost I was in life.

Author's Note:
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