GREEN (RL Harry Styles fanfic)

61. Bloodshot

Sunday morning was nearly a repeat of Saturday morning. I awoke and hurried off to the bathroom. This time it wasn't because I was going to be sick, it was because I was anxious to test.

I grabbed the pink box from underneath the sink ripped it open. I scanned the instructions and took a seat on the toilet, ready to find out my fate. Nowhere in the instructions did it say my pee was going to splatter off the stick and spray in every single direction possible. It was almost comical; almost because now there was pee everywhere that I had to cleanup. I replaced the cap and set the test on the back of the toilet seat to process. I grabbed a wad of toilet paper to wipe and clean up.

With one swipe I knew my answer. I wasn't pregnant. In a sick twist of fate I had gotten my period. It was like a shot to the heart with that realization. While that pregnancy test had mattered so much a moment earlier, now it was just a completely worthless piece of piss covered plastic.

All the nervousness, excitement, fear, and whatever other emotions I had been feeling the past 24 hours were replaced with only one– disappointment. Now, there was absolutely no doubt how I felt about getting pregnant. I had wanted it to be so. In my utter disappointment that was clear.

I stood up and grabbed the test, now mocking me with "not pregnant" on the display screen, and tossed it in the waste bin. I returned to under the sink for a tampon, washed up, crawled back into bed and just stared at the ceiling in complete silence.

I don't know how long I lied there, but I assume it was some time because the sun had filled the room to the far corners by the time I moved. I didn't move much, I just rolled over and grabbed my phone.

I'm not pregnant

Texting the words to Harry suddenly made it more real. As soon as I pressed send I broke down and began to cry. I was crying over something I never had, but it had felt like it was in my grasp.

My phone rang and I knew who it was without even looking at the screen. I answered but I couldn't form any words. All that came out was a burst of utter sadness.

"Oh babe!" Harry said sounding concerned by my tears. "It's okay. We've got plenty of other chances. Don't be upset," he said consoling me as best he could from across the globe. "Don't cry babe. It absolutely guts me to hear you cry."

"I'm sorry," were the first words I could get out through tears.

"Don't be sorry Liv. You've got nothing to be sorry for babe." I didn't know what to say so I just continued to try and compose myself. "I hadn't even realized you were expecting to be pregnant this time 'round. I mean, there were no signs."

God, I felt like shit. I was worried about sparing Harry's feelings and in the process I had completely shut him out. Now I just seemed crazy and emotional, which I may have been considering I was on my period, but that was besides the point. I debated whether to clue him in on my symptoms over the last few days or just let it go and get over it on my own. Ultimately, I'd just being shutting him out again, and look where that had gotten me.

"Harry," I finally said with a wavering voice, "I haven't been completely honest with you."

"About what?," he answered. The serious tone in his voice made me cringe.

"About this. I didn't tell you everything." I breathed out heavy from my nose to prepare to tell him the truth.

I was always able to speak so freely with Harry and tell him anything. There was never anything holding us back, until this. I had held back to protect him and now I was struggling to open up for fear of hurting him. That was the last thing I ever wanted.