GREEN (RL Harry Styles fanfic)

81. Shadow of Doubt

Just landed.

I sent off the text before I had even unbuckled my seatbelt on the plane. It was a few minutes to midnight in London. I wasn't sure if Harry would be awake or pacing anxiously waiting to hear from me. After getting no response at the baggage claim, in the cab on my way home, or as I unpacked, I came to the conclusion Harry had gone to bed after all.

I was glad he had managed to sleep. I had worried about him the whole flight and envisioned him pacing back and forth along the planks of his wood floors; tugging at his hair with his hands as they tensed into fists.

Feeling exhausted from the flight, I decided to lie down to rest myself. I was even more tired than I thought because I couldn't even remember falling asleep. All I do remember is waking up to the sound of my phone and rubbing my eyes in confusion as I figured out where I was, what time it was, and where the heck my phone was.

"Hello?," I sang sleepily into the phone.

"Hi babe. I just wanted to give you a call before I went to bed, if that's alright?," a surprisingly chipper Harry explained.

My now awakening brain did the math and realized it was nearing 3 AM in London and Harry was just now going to bed? Why was he up so late? And why did he sound so happy considering the circumstances? I mean, I didn't want him to be miserable on account of me, but I expected a bit of sadness.

"Of course," I said trying not to give away my confusion. Before I got out anything else I heard laughter and noise from Harry's end. "Where are you Harry?," I blurted out.

"Um...," Harry stalled, "just saying goodbye to friends and waiting for a cab back to mine." I could sense a hint of worry in his voice. But that was probably just because we parted on rough terms, I convinced myself.

"Oh, you went out?," I asked in a higher tone than normal and a warble to my words. I didn't expect him to be up to a night on the town.

"No, no. Not the club or anything Liv," Harry defended, obviously sensing my dismay. "I just, well I'd rather not say, if that's alright."

"Oh...okay." I didn't really know what to say to that. I wasn't the jealous or suspicious girlfriend, and never really had been. Harry had never given me any reason not to trust him. Even with the fights and problems that had come along since my pregnancy, I still didn't doubt his faithfulness to me.

"Are you mad?," Harry asked after a long silence. He didn't leave a gap for another pause in the conversation, or even my answer. "I promise I'll tell you all about it another time babe, but not now."

Another wave of laughs and what sounded like mild debauchery came through the line. I could almost make out a familiar American accent in the background, but couldn't quite place it.

"I'm not mad Harry, just a little confused. I just woke up from a nap and now you're out in the middle of the night and not willing to tell me what's going on." Okay, I was a little mad.

"I'm sorry babe," he said sounding concerned. "Trust me babe, it's nothing to be worried about," he paused for a moment before his voice returned on the line. "The taxi is here. I'll talk to you soon. I love you."

"I love you too, get some rest." The last bit came out more passive aggressive than I may have wanted it to, but he was out in the middle of the night. Coupled with how quick I ended the call, I think Harry was well aware that I was annoyed.

I fell back onto the bed again and released a sigh. The past 24 hours had been such a whirlwind and I felt everything replaying in my mind. It started with the phone call I just had, then back to the airport, Harry's house, and the Modest meeting. But my mind didn't stop there, it kept going back further trying to find anything else that would help me make some sense of all this. I scanned and analyzed every moment that popped into my head from our short history together, but I still found no red flags waving at me.

Maybe I was overlooking the biggest red flag of them all– our entire relationship. We had only known each other for just under four months. There was no doubt we had an instant connection and fell for each other deeply and quickly, but maybe I didn't know Harry as well as I believed. Maybe he wasn't who I had thought he was. Maybe I was seeing a crack in the facade he had put on to win me over. Maybe I couldn't trust him, or maybe he felt he couldn't trust me. There was certainly reason to believe he didn't trust me with his insistence on a paternity test and some of the comments he had made recently. Had we been so tied up in the romance, passion, and excitement that we didn't build the solid foundation we had thought? I hadn't thought so until now.

Perhaps this time apart would do us some good. We could sort of slow things down, though there was certainly no going back now that I was pregnant with Harry's baby. I felt a smile curl onto my face and my hand curved over my still flat belly. Even with all of this uncertainty that had developed in my head, I was still certain I was happy about this pregnancy.

I closed my eyes and traced the skin on my stomach at the hem of my shirt. This growing child inside of me was the trust between Harry and I. This was the proof that what we had was real. It was certainly a representation of the passion and romance between us, but it was a planned commitment to one another. If Harry and I never walked down the aisle to recite our vows and be married, it wouldn't change a thing. We had already committed to one another in a much more special way by creating a life together. This baby gave me hope that the Harry I fell in love with still existed, but perhaps he had just gotten a little lost with all that was going on in his life.

I felt more secure in my decision to come home. It was already proving to be grounding to me, and I only hoped the distance and alone time would do the same for Harry.