You Deserve Better

⇒ CHAPTER FIVE

𝟙 ℂ𝕠𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕒𝕟𝕤 1𝟞:𝟙𝟜
𝕃𝕖𝕥 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕕𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖.

𝙴𝙳𝙴𝙽
✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾

Again. It happened yet again. I thought i was strong enough to shake off the urge, strong enough to say no to temptation maybe? but it happened all over again,

My tears have dried up, at this point I'm more tired than i am upset. Tired of it all, tired of failing God tired of choosing sin over him. Im so annoyed and frustrated that no matter how many times i try to shake this sin off I can't...

Its even making me doubt my salvation, how can I possibly be saved if I can't give up this sin to carry my cross? How can i go all the way to marriage without any type of sex?

A part of me doesn't know if i should repent anymore, not because i don't think i need to, or because i think im above repentance but because i know im just going to fall into this sin again, whats the point in asking God to forgive me if i will never truly be freed?

God isn't the problem, the truth is he never was. Its not about how i pray or how I don't pray, its about the fact that I can't maintain my deliverance, i cannot keep my purity.

There is no help for me.

I shouldn't even be doing this, I shouldn't be thinking this! especially not over a guy like Ace Davis. I mean let's face it, He's the complete opposite of what I'm supposed to want in a man, He doesn't even like me enough to pay me attention when I'm in a room. Unless of course it's negative attention then i get too much of it.

I don't know what it is about his face, it makes me so angry how someone can actually look so perfect, How can a jaw be so chiselled? Or his stupid perfect hair be so full? How in the world can someone be so tall and smell so good and be my enemy if anything.

Oliver is who i should want, he's the perfect man for me. He's exactly what Baba would want me to have because he's the type of guy that would take care of me.

Except him and baba don't understand that i can take care of myself, Its not 1939 anymore...

Picture this, Im stuck on a boat in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. Oliver would bend over backwards just trying to make sure i don't get wet, meanwhile Ace would probably throw me into the ocean to lighten the load.

I have no idea why I'm speaking about it like I actually like him or something because i dont! I dont... i just have this one sick hiccup which he just so happened to be involved in thats all.

But God would it help if his voice wasn't so annoyingly deep and raspy. And if he weren't as loving to his sisters it would clear this whole hiccup right up.

I need a new technique to get rid of this... problem. Something that will assure me not to do it ever again. And i mean never again-

"What you writing?" I scream when Serenity sneaks up behind me, If only my hand thats grasping at my heart would actually calm it down but right now its only stopping it from beating out my chest.

I slam my Journal closed shoving it under my butt, although I don't doubt the limits she would go to just to finally see what's in it.