Distanced

Not being the bad guy

Felix

"So, mind telling me what that was all about?" Heesung asked as we entered our apartment. 

After I left the dance room Heesung was waiting downstairs in the lobby for me, I knew he was going to ask questions, but I really don't want to answer any. Seeing Minho after two years really made me think about everything, it made me miss him and I don't know if that was something I wanted to happen.

I walked to the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed burying my face in my hands, finally letting myself fully cry. Heesung sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me pulling me into his side.

"It's all my f-fault, I fucked it all up. H-he trusted me, and I-i broke that." I sobbed. "Lix baby you know it usually takes two people to mess things up right? And usually takes two to fix things." Heesung tried to comfort me.

He is right but Minho did nothing wrong.

"I let some other person kiss me while I was with Minho, I ch-cheated. And all because I was fucking curious about something!" I yelled. I shot up and walked across the room and the first thing I got my hands on I threw it at the wall. "I did this, two fucking years and I'm still an emotional mess. I try to hide it; I try to stay strong but until you came along, I was broken. In my head I knew I was the cause, I made him lose all trust again."

I turned around to face Heesung and all he did was sit there and listen, he didn't show signs of disappointment or disgust for me. He wasn't looking at me like I just lost my fucking mind by throwing something but rather he was looking at me like I was something that was broken, and he could piece back together.

"Felix, you know I'm not going to judge you right? The moment we became friends I knew there was something off about you and not in a bad way either, I knew something was wrong. I chose not to bother you about it and figured at some point you would feel comfortable enough to tell me." Heesung said softly.

After I paced the room back and forth for about a good hour and explained the whole situation, it felt good to talk to someone about it. I didn't really get into Minho's past, but I let Heesung know just enough for him to understand. Talking about it and hearing it all out loud makes me seem like a horrible fucking person if I'm being honest.

Minho said there's a difference between loved and stopped loving, I can't help but wonder if one day he will stop loving me. I love Minho and I don't think I could ever love someone else again despite everything. He made me see who I truly was, and he made me love, how does one come back from losing all trust?

Heesung grabbed me by my arm and pulled me towards him, making me fall into his lap pretty much. "I can't call you the bad guy Lix and neither is Minho, this Hyunjin person seems like the cause of everything. You just wanted to figure it all out, so you acted without thinking and now you have to deal with the consequences. Seems like to me though Minho isn't going to back down from anything though." Heesung said. "Despite everything Minho never struck me as a weak person, he was always strong in my book. I don't want to fall back in again, I want to feel like I'm wanted and not just something tossed to the side." I explained.

Minho seemed like he wasn't going to back down, it felt like he wanted me to know I did wrong and apologize but he was the one to walk away.

I'll apologize but I'm not going to act like this whole thing was my fault.

"Should I play his game?" I asked. "I think like you should act like seeing him meant nothing and just act normal. I know you love him and don't lie to me when you say you don't want him back either." Heesung replied. "I won't lie about that, but I don't think I can be with him like before even though it was brief. We had a connection and whether that's still there or not I don't know but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction."

I won't let him know how much I truly hurt; I want him to want me like he did before. How he tried everything in his power to make me flustered then I'll know that he means it.

I wonder how this will all play out; I know what I did was wrong but at the same time Minho left and didn't look back. Hyunjin made a mistake by kissing me too and all because of a fucking dare from Changbin and Chan keeping secrets from me too.

Seems like we all have a part in this.

"Heesung? Do you want to go to a wedding with me?" I asked. "You mean your friend's wedding? The invite that hangs on the fridge that you haven't replied to yet?" Heesung raised his brows. "Yes, precisely that one. Be my plus one. It will be after this week's audition thing for that competition." "So, I'd be your date?" "Is that a problem?" "No not at all." Heesung chuckle pulling me closer to him.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now but I'm not going to pine after Minho and Heesung knows I can't really be with him be with him. But he still crushes over me like crazy and I find it cute.

I just hope he doesn't get hurt in all of this. We all have urges and right now I'm having mine and Heesung knows he can get under my skin very easily. It's like I said I knew what I was doing when I asked him to kiss me that night and right now, I'm not drinking or buzzed but I know what I'm doing.

Making myself more comfortable I position myself so I'm straddling Heesung and my arms are wrapped around his neck. "You know how lucky I am to have you right?" I whispered. "I know. Lix baby you don't have to pretend; I know I'm just here to keep you company." "You're more than that, you are a good friend and have been by my side for a while now and I needed that more than anything. I want your smile, your laugh, the way you flirt with me all the time, the way you hold me by your side like no one else can touch me. I know you fell for me hard and I wish I could give that back to you but what I can give you is just a small piece of me. You lightened up my life when it was dark, so no you are not just keeping me company. You are my person, my friend, my tiny crush."

Everything I said was true, Minho is my soulmate you could say, my first love and always will be but that doesn't mean you just have that one person in your life.

"You are so fucking beautiful you know that." Heesung whispered in my ear. "So, kiss me then." I replied.