It Wasnt My Fault (DNF)

Part 1: Chapter 7

Dream pov

I awoke from my spot on the couch in George's livening room.

I glanced around, my eyes attempting to adjust to the midnight blue light that fell on the space in the darkness.

My gaze flitted around nervously for any sign of my host, eventually finding his brunette hair peeking out from a red blanket on the opposite couch.

I put my head in my hands in shame.

I felt horrible because at no point of the day did the voice stop whispering into my ear.

But I never saw the ghost of it.

It taunted me, telling me to cut, telling me to fight, making me choose violence, keeping me from food out of guilt.

And I had no control over it.

It haunted me. I caught glimpses of it in the mirror as I gazed at my gaunt face. I saw it sometimes when I peered into a bowl of ramen, days old, but still appetizing.

I hated the fact that it was whispering into my ear in menacing hisses for me to self harm again.

It was as if I was possessed, lifting myself onto my feet with more purpose than I felt inside.

My legs shuffled around the apartment against my will, my eyes darting around for any sharp object I could find in the house to add to the lines or anger grazed into my arm.

The same arms that reached around shelves that were blanketed in darkness, looking for the tip of something capable of continuing the voice's verdict.

Because that was what the voice had become to me.

It wasn't my friend, no.

It was my judge.

It slammed its gravel into my life, causing it to tear open and spill blood.

Its decision was not to be tested.

It's judge mental stare that I felt on my back was always there, making me glance over my shoulder all the time, hoping to glimpse the body of my torment.

I was in my mind now, trying to find a reason to cut as I looked for a blade of some sort.

Unable to find a reason or a projectile suitable for the sick deed, I collapsed into myself, my body overcome with sobs.

I didnt want to do this, but I had to, didnt I?

Didn't I?

The voice was in charge. There was no question about it.

How dare you question me, you little shit? Find the blade. Do my bidding.

And so, once again trapped in a dreamlike state, I worked and I searched in vain.

Returning to the living room after my failure with finding the blade, I felt unsure as to what I should have done.

Then again, was I really feeling unsure?

I always doubted my feelings, telling myself that I was just making it out to be worse than it was. Telling myself that I was only looking for a reason to cut. A pathetic excuse.

But then again, isn't that what the voice wanted me to do?

I was so confused.

You're not confused, you're just not trusting. You've got issues that you wont let me help you with.

My mind became jumbled as I attempted to focus on one thing, but the hissing in my ear continued to pull me back into the abyss of thoughts.

"I hid all of the sharp object so you couldnt continue. You don't have to, you know? You're safe now."