It Wasnt My Fault (DNF)

Part 2: Chapter 51

Clay pov

We didnt do much for my birthday.

It was a school day today, and I decided not to give two fucks about my classes.

Today was a special day.

I walked around the school aimlessly durring class time hours, looking at and waving to people as I passed by.

One person seemed to fade into the next, a blur of something more that I wanted to leave behind.

The colors that merged into a collage of one were beautiful, an extravagance that no one but me seemed to be able to appreciate wouldn't be seen in death.

Death.

Such a sweet, fickle thing.

So dark, by proxy, the inability to imagine our nonexistence making our understanding of its beauty that much harder.

Ah, how we made things harder for ourselves because we refused or lacked the ability to understand.

If I was to succumb to death, in its warmth or frigidity, I knew George would never understand.

He didnt understand much of anything.

My boyfriend, the stubborn brunette that even now cradled my heart in numb hands, was so quick to assume, and as much as he didn't understand much of anything around him, I'd never understand why he didn't assume me to be tricking him, to be lying to him with a kind facade.

Even I didnt understand anything.

I talked to some people, some giving me weird looks, and most insulting me.

I'd always been immune to their slander, but found myself wishing I wasn't.

I wished that I could feel the annoyance or hate that they tried to communicate through their degrading, always wanted to be able to empathize with their feelings toward me.

It was just another one of the secrets of the universe, inflicted upon my living for me to experience but not understand.

I was enjoying my life.

I was enjoying my life for once ever because I knew that it wouldn't last forever.

Maybe if I continued to remember that any pain I was caused was only temporary I could be happy?

No, I tried living by many promises.

The promise to escape.

The promise to live.

The promise to not think about death and embrace the present moment.

Now, I lived by no promise, the bondage that tethered me thus far to the earth were broken.

I would be free soon.

School was over by now, and I was walking away from the building with George at my side.

He was following me, his head bowed, looking at the back of my shoes as he walked blindly behind me.

It was a tradition we'd felt ourselves fall into a short while after school began, my leading us home, as though I was the one who lead him to a place in his life that he could finally feel at home within.

But today I wasnt headed to the apartment.

I was headed far into the city, a goal in my head, my mind set on my plan.

I had no malicious purposes for dying; I had simply grown tired of drowning and relentlessly fighting for air.

I couldnt breathe.