𝐃𝐄𝐋 𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐎 𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐑𝐀'𝐒

Gone

He's gone.

I'm still getting use to waking up alone. I'm still getting use to waking up without his sweet kisses and soft voice. I miss the way he would wrap his arms around my waist and bring me into his chest. I miss the way he would bury his face into my neck while I cook us breakfast. I miss the sound of his voice. His laughter. Seeing those dimples every time he smiled. I miss his sarcasm and jokes. The way he would flirt with me every chance he could get. The dates we would go on every week.

I miss him.

My heart aches for him every day since he had left us. The kids always ask when he would come back and it hurts to tell them that he never would. They're still too young to realise that he's never coming back.

I cry every night. Wishing I was still in the safety of his arms but I know I can never have that feeling again.

Life has never been so hard and sometimes I find myself wanting to be with him. I feel selfish for feeling like this because I can't leave our kids alone. The whole reason why I'm still here is for them.

I can't do this without him. How can I?

He was my whole purpose. My entire world. And he was taken away from me within an instant. It's just not fair. We didn't get enough time together. The twins didn't get enough time with their Dad. How can I raise them without him?

It feels like everyday I wake up stuck in a never ending cycle of torture. I'm suffering here without him. I can't breathe without him. I just want him. But, I can never have him.

Ever since his death I have taken on the responsibility of leading the Cosa Nostra and on top of all that I have my own company to take care of along with my toddlers. It's like I haven't had the chance to grief before all of this sprung upon me. I never realised how hard life would be without him until now.

The only thing keeping me sane are my babies.

"Mamà can I have a fruit snack?" My three year old son asks me, tapping on my knee to gain my attention away from the piles of paperwork in front of me.

"Yeah of course baby." I say softly, sitting him on my lap and finishing up the document I'm writing up for a stock check on one of the main warehouses we have in New York.

I busied the twins with TV while I write this document but I think now they're getting hungry for dinner.

"Whatcha doing?" He asks me curiously, fiddling with my necklace.

It's the necklace Ace got me for our one year anniversary and I've worn it ever since. I'm not ready to take it off. The same goes for my wedding ring. I haven't even gotten rid of his clothes in our closet. Everything is exactly how he left it.

"I'm working." I tell him.

"Papà." He murmurs and my gaze instantly shoots down to him. He's tracing the letters of Ace's name on the necklace I'm wearing with his finger.