Paper Memories

Chapter 1-I

Chapter 1-I

 I'm an outsider, and life is just like a picture to me.

It's as if the world just exists on the other side of the frame, and it would always be out of my reach. So in turn, I tried to create a better and more fanftastical one with my own hands in every way I could—drawing, writing, and painting.Kahit ano, lahat-lahat sana. Gusto kong lang may magbago.

Yung hindi nanonood lang ako...

Yet, the more I try, the more my hopes fall apart. Katulad na lang nang nangyayari ngayon, kung anong klaseng eksena ang nakikita ng dalawa kong mata. Yung munting pagtitipon sa ibaba, na kasama siya, na siya na naman ang bida. Bihira na kami makapag-uusap ng maayos. But now I'm seeing him like this----he's loved while I'm all alone.

I always pursue my passion. I run after everything my heart yearns and loves. Yet was it worth it? Could I continue loving it? Mamahalin ba ako nito pabalik? Its easier loving objects, humans could deny you. Just like what I'm witnessing now. Out here, I could see the man I loved just reject another girl.

Paano kung ako naman ang umamin sa kanya?

Kitang-kita ko sila mula sa palapag ng building na to. Nasa baba lang, malapit sila sa school quadrangle. Their love fiasco is out in the open. So, it looks like I came out from my shell just to see this? May bumangga na nga sa kin kanina at nagkanda hulog-hulog ang art materials ko tas eto pa ang makikita ko?

Ayaw ko ng ganto...So I decided to walk away.

I just need to be somewhere better.

I want to paint more, draw more, write more. Make a world that is mine and mine alone.

I turn my back, and run back to where I belong. Mas bagay ako dun. Sa art room, kasama ang mga likha ng kamay ko. Nang nasa tapat ako ng canvas kusa na lang gumalaw ang mga labi ko para ilabas ang hinanakit ko. "You're not supposed to be enough anymore. Hindi ka naman sapat sa una pa lang! S-so, w-why am making myself love you?"

Gusto kong may pagbuhusan at sumalo ng galit na kinikimkim ko.

I yearned for beauty and perfection in my own fabricated work, yet I've stayed as the flawed girl throughout. Even this canvas in front of me wouldn't understand, despite how it became drenched with my tears and crumpled because of my hate.

My heart grieves, and my crafts—this lonely room is all I have.

Isinirado ko ang journal kong nagsisilbing ding notepad ko, at inabot ko ang aking paintbrush. Saka idiniin ko ito sa blangko espasyo sa harap. Sira-sira na to, may mga bahid ng luha. The sun is setting. The warm light hitting my hands is also fading away, all while I hear the rampant sound of notifications from the chats and messages on my phone. I was mumbling to myself." You are not enough. Kulang ka pa rin."

While looking at my club room. A foolish thought hits my head, how can an out casted girl like me be happy in a castle full of demons and witches? That sounds too poetic, childish. Ano na lang ang sunod na iisipin ko? Isang knight in shining armor na sasagip sakin?

Villains? Fairy tales that would come true?

Napatawa ko, at saka napatitig na sa canvas sa harap.

I apologize for ruining it, I thank it for hearing me out. My sole witness and companion.

Bumuntong hininga ako at kumuha ng bagong canvas. Nasulyapan ko ang pag-ilaw ng cellphone ko, pinagppyestahin pa rin ba ako ng buong university dahil sa issue na yun? That was just a stupid accusation!

Sila ang may gawa hindi ako...But they're blaming me.

But in the end I'm always the one left with no choice but to pick myself up. Still, a hopeful part of me still remains, and a voice—from nowhere. There's a voice that seems to whisper my name, calling for my entire being, consoling me.

Somebody...was calling me?

I became confused, and in instinct, I almost tried to look for where the voice came from. I look around the orange-hued room as the familiarity of the voice entrances me; it makes me want to search and search for it until I can find it. To make it mine.

Sheena, it says. Kaso may tatawag pa sa tulad kong outcast?

I step back, trying to see the whole picture of things. Natawa ako, pinaglalaruan lang ako ng isip ko. But because of that one moment, I feel warm. A gentle feeling in contrary to how the sunlight from the sunset burns the back of my hands. I need to go back to painting.

I sighed, responding to my own monologue." Sarili ko lang ang nagmamahal sakin."