Paper Memories

Chapter 29-I

Chapter 29-I

"You said I deserved a second chance and and that I was just misunderstood." Dumudulas ang katawan ko pababa ng bathub habang iniisip ko na sa pagsapit ng alas syete ng gabi ay magsisimula na ang party sa function hall. The party would start and go on, but my plans with Ralph wouldn't. " Then you actually think differently in real life, were you just acting all this time?"

I sighed, glancing on my phone." Hindi ka na tatawag diba?"

"I believed you'd keep your promise to be my date. Pumayag ka-----niyaya ka pa nga ni Percival. Nagbilin siya sayo. " My face is half-submerge in the water, I was breathing in and out hoping that the classical music I'm playing would calm me." But you're throwing me away again because of your baseless acusation----ako na naman yung masama at mag-isa."

"Sheena..."

"Shhh, be quiet----- don't mess with my head, Percival."

"But why? I could be by your side, but you don't want me." I heard the voice of someone nonexistent again----he's not even here but it feels as if he speaking right into my ear with his disgustingly soft voice. He's not here, my head is just toying with me, and I played back. " Kailangan mo lang sabihin na kailangan mo ako..."

"I can't bear to see you------you're Ralph's replica."

"Would you love me if Ralph accepts you?"

"Mangangako ka na naman na may magagawa ka para magkaayos kami?" I let my whole body slipped in the water, arguing with the voice in my head. " Dumating ka sa buhay ko para sa kasinungalingan at pekeng pangako."

"You didn't create me to own you----but I'm here to love you." He's talking but it feels silent inside my head, as if all my thoughts are being robbed away. It's dark underneath the water." But to be loved by you because you're accepted by the world would make me the happiest."

"What if I can do that all on my own?"

"Then I simply wish to be by your side----I'd live and disappear for you."

"You won't do that---you won't fulfil any of your promises. Just like Ralph." Mas nanlalamig na ang katawan ko sa ilalim ng tubig, as if a pressure is pulling me downwards." Say, if I hated Ralph with all my heart would you be gone as well?"

"I can be someone else again, be perfect like you wanted someday." His words pierces my head." That's what I would like to say----but nothing is ever enough for you."

I can't take anymore, I bit my lip." It's because you're a fake."

"You can change that."

"Wala na akong interes baguhin ang walang kwentang katulad mo."

He's just a voice, nasa ulo ko lang siya. "What do you want to change?"

I want claw the water and held on to something." Everything."

Beat. Then it as if there's a static, and a vacuum is suddenly formed when I uttered those words. Percival's voice started fading away, hindi ko na alam ang sinasabi niya. Wala na akong maintindihan. " I'm scared...Of what you could do, Sheena."

Then the voice pretending to be Percival is gone.

His voice disappeared along with the sick feeling inside of me. Napabangon din mula tubig ng bathub na pwedeng kumitil ng buhay ko kung magtatagal pa ako dun. My classical music playlist almost defeaning. I can't process my senses or sounds properly----Yet I have no ounce of fear for my life.

I need to hurry----I still have a party to attend.

"Ate Sheena, I'm sorry I didn't do enough earlier" Nanlaki ang mata ng marinig ko ang boses na yun---Si Ricos. Caller ID niya ang nasa cellphone ko! I rush out of the tub to grab my phone without even putting on my bathrobe. What the hell? I didn't accept the call! " I couldn't do what you wanted, but I'll do better next time, Ate."

"I-Is your arm okay? Bakit hindi ka nagpapahinga ngayon?"

"Ayos lang masira ang katawan ko para sayo, Ate."

"N-No! Stop that saying that! I wouldn't even let our classmate hit you. Tapos iisipin ni Ralpgh na uutusan kitang banggain ang scaffolding?!" I remembered how Ricos was this afternoon, ni hindi ako pinalapit ni Ralph sa loob ng clinic. Nakakanis. Wala talagang matinong nangyayari sa akin sa araw na 'to. " Tell him I didn't order you to do that. Say it's just your bouts of insanity----that you can't just control yourself!"

"But that's what your eyes wanted, Ate."

"My eyes? Ridiculous! Diyos kaba nakakabasa ng isip, Ricos?!"

"Diyos? A god huh? I'm not one---and would never be one. I just do what I could, even if it destroys my body." Ricos responded with his same innocent tone. I was holding on the sink just to remain on standing and listening to his glamorization." I'm weak and sick. They say I'm insane, and people wouldn't believe or expect from me as much. But I'll do what ever you want. Even if it makes me—us, inhuman."

"I would never ask you to do that----I told you before, your paintings are enough." I heard my Mom calling my name outside. She must want to see dolled up, with my dress and hair fix. I grab myself a towel, I want to stop shivering. "So please don't act as if you'd just live for me."

"I get to hear your kind words again, Ate. I'm happy."

"Stop being like this, please."

"But my worth could only be this way, I'm afraid. To be here for you."

I look up in the mirror, as if my Ricos is if he's fucking there anyway. Instead I see myself. Pale and drench. Then my hair. My hair is longer, redder." Pero bakit, Ricos? Why is your worth based on me?"

He chuckled, the line disconnecting." That's what creation could do for his creator."