Paper Memories

Chapter 1-III

Chapter 1-III

If he won't leave what role would he need to have to stay in my life?

Baka puro lang siya salita, at may mas sasakit pa kaysa imagination at pag-o-overthink ko. If he already has the idea of how I felt, I don't want to confront him about it. So I tried to distract myself and glue my eyes to his brilliant looks.

Piercings on his ears, dark-themed clothes, and a carefree hairstyle Ralph's deep-seated hazel brown eyes and his strong jawline lock into a considerate smile. Individualistic. Even though he fits into the bad boy category, his attitude is a complete contradiction to that stereotype.I wonder if anyone can replace him.

I held my paint brush harder. Kusang gumulaw ang kamay ko para magpinta kahit sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko." Ellie promised that too, the three us promise we won't leave one another."

" ...You were watching when that girl confessed."

"...Is that a problem? You were out in the open."

He saw my pathetic face and had the guts to bring it up. Ralph would never have the heart to reject or push me away. He had bad boy looks, but he's always this genuine. But sometimes he's so callous. " I don't want you to feel lonely and unloved. So, I'm sorry, this is shameless and cruel, but I want to talk about us. Kung anong meron tayo, Sheena."

Everything slowly sinks in----my guts was right. Something bad would happen today. My nightmares are bound to continue. I wasn't supposed to rejected, I was supposed to keep dreaming! Hindi niya dapat alam, walang ako sinasabi, walang nagsabi!

At kung alam niya, hindi dapat sa ganto hahantong.

Sakin dapat manggaling ang katotohanan." We're friends, that's what we are."

"I know, I choose things to be that way." Halos pabulong na niyang sabi, also in conflict with himself." It's not like we'll be unhappy unless we're---l-lovers... But when I thought I saw your expressions , I think I know how you feel, the real ones not just what you're showing in the surface. I am aware for so long that I thought---"

"You were so far away." Pagdidiin ko."Namalikmata ka lang."

"Yes, I know! Maybe I was overthinking."

I tried to fight back tears, and stifled a laugh instead. Finally giving in, this fast. " Nauna pa ang rejection mo kaysa sa I love you ko. Una pa lang ikaw ang pumili na ganto tayo."

Ralph stood from his seat, mabigat ang yabag ng paa niya." I just know, I'm also aware I'm a jerk for breaking it to you like this. But I'm sorry, Sheena. I didn't want to lead you on."

"I couldn't even fight for it?"

"Maybe not....Especially if in the first place I can't give you the kind of love you wanted. S-sorry dahil di ko magagawa yun, and I'm sorry that I'm already rejecting you before you can even try----------Anything."

Mariin ang titig niyang habang naglalakad siya patungo sa'kin

We can't be together.

May hawak-hawak pa akong paint brush ng tinabig ko papalayo ang kamay niyang gusto akong abutin. Kaya naman may ilang pintura ang tumalsik sa'ming dalawa. Maruming kulay na para bang nag-r-representa ng hinanakit ko.

Red. Blue. All abomination of colors.

Sana maiba na lang ang mundong to."We'll be friend right? I can still make you love me too, can't I?"

Paint have splatter Ralph's cheeks. "I can be here for you, Sheena."

"I-I see. L-let's try that, we'll try." Kakaunti na lang ang kaya kong sabihin, madalian kong ibinalik ang mediums na ginamit ko habang pilt na dumidistansya sa kanya. I couldn't even offer him a handkerchief for the stain on his cheeks." I gotta go, Ralph. You don't need to take me home.""

"Atleast hayaan mo akong ihati---"

"I'm already perfectly fine being left by you." I declared. Kahit ang painting sa tabi niya di ko masikmurang titigan ng matagal. Replika niya. " Its not like you'd take your words back or we'd stop being friends."

I'm sure that this man behind me, is the love of my life. Parang wala nang makakatapat, kahit man ang painting sa tabi niya na paulit-ulit kong tinatangkang higitan siya. Ralph smiled sadly, waving me goodbye." Then, I'll see you next week, and the next. We'll see other forever, over and over again."

I'm already at the door, whispering." Kung pwede iba at magbago na lang ang lahat..."

Sheena. I heard it again. Napalingon ako.

Somebody is calling me again.

Umaasang kay Ralph nagmula ang boses na yun para humingi ng tawad at wasakin ang assumption at expectations ko. Baka bawwiin niya ang mga sinabi niya. Hindi siya dapat magsalita ng tapos. Yet when I face him again, he was looking away, his eyes lock in a trance. He's staring at the canvas beside him.

Hindi pa kumpleto ang painting, hindi pa niya kamukha, hindi pa higit sa kanya.

I can't settle for this, I'm sick of loving things that exist only in my head.

Maybe I'm thinking out loud too much, that a mirage is born out of my fantasies. My teary eyes could see another man, and an almost exact replica of Ralph standing beside him. Hindi na lang sila isa. Magkatabi sila at sabay na nginitian ako ng buong puso pagkalingon nila.

He stands there so lifelike. Better perhaps, but still unreachable.

Parang isang totoong tao lalamangan pa ang orihinal. Now, there are two of them, yet I can have neither. One is real, one is not. The other is the man who slipped out of my hands. Another is created from it. This is laughable; is this my reminder that I am a mere outcast?

Do love and dreams really make people go mad?