Paper Memories

Chapter 9-III

Chapter 9-III

"You don't need to be Ralph."

Percival spun me around as we continue dancing, my room is not spacious enough for his gimiks but my heart is large to contain all his passion for me. His smile was contagious, too pure offer for someone like me. Napakataas na ng buwan at ang liwanag na mula dito ay ang tanging paraan para makita namin ang isa't-isa.

Everything is picture perfect in this room.

Patuloy ang kanyang pag ngiti." If not Ralph, then who would I be?"

Our steps in perfect sync, communication namin hindi." Just you. Yourself."

"Then tell me how, on how you'd like me to be." Sagot niya sa akin ng muling umikot kami sabay sa musika. Maybe he left because I'm the one who lacks something. " I am here for you, to be whatever you want. You let me stay by your side because you want me to make it up you."

"Naiintidihan mo ba kung san kita pinapabawi?"

"On how I lied being your boyfriend."

"I wondered if you could make Ralph fall in love with me..."

"You wanted a genie out of me, Sheena. Alam ko."

Napayuko ako dahil sa bigat ng mga pumapasok sa isip ko. Maybe he doesn't want this normality, maybe being his girlfriend right off the bat made him bored of me. " That's right, I wanted to use you, but all this time we just had fun together. Nasimulan ko ba yung plano na yun? Hindi at mukhang hindi na. Parang sasapat nang tayong dalawa na lang----you can feel that too right? Naging masaya tayo diba?"

Niyakap ako ni Percival, kaya sabay kaming bumugsak papunta sa kama. He was beneath me as his arms tightly embrace me as if he fears I'll be the who would disappear." We can still make that plan happen, Hon."

"Gusto ko lang palipasin ang oras dati..."

"Through me. You want to show Ralph you're alright. Jealous even."

"Can't you see I'm trying to fix this, Percival? Kanina pa." Malungkot na tanong ko. He agreed to this." Pero ganto ka. Did you really ever wanted to be my lover?"

Percival caress my hair affectionately." What I want is-----I've always wanted to love you."

"Gusto mo bang umalis, Percival?"

"I'm just a means to your end. Made just for you." Sagot niya sa mismong tainga ko, his voice in pain and melancholicly cold." But despite that coldness, there is fear-----there is despair." I'm not the love you deserved. I'm holding you back from what's the best."

I push my arms to get up, so I can see him face to face, to see his stupid lying face. Hindi ko maiintidihan kung bakit siya pa itong biglang susulpot at nawawala sa buhay ko ang nagsaslita ng ganto. " You started this, so why are you giving up first? Sapat ka. Pero palagi kang umaasta na mawawala ka---Are you not real after all?"

Percival longingly look at my face----his fingers move the uneven strands of my hair, wipe the tears from my tired eyes. He gently place his hands behind my head and near my nape---then pulled me closer to himself until our lips almost crash to each other, but he stopped." Pwedeng-pwede mo akong mahalin, Sheena."

Maybe he need a sign to stay, to go back." I love you, Percival."

I said his name, but Ralph flickered in my mind." Me? Sheena?"

"You have no right to not to believe me.I mean just who are you? The real you?" My body fell limp atop him as weakness overflood me. My ears are right by his chest. His heart beatless. Pero baka wala na akong marinig ng maayos dahil sa paghikbi ko." What's really your name? Why can't you come in my life normally and not declare you're some fucking painting? Paano mo kita makilala talaga ha?!"

"I'm your one and only Percival Alexander Tuares."

"You're not."

"Then I could be whoever you want."

"I want you to be you. Normal. Gusto ko malaman na ang dahilan kaya hindi ka palaging nasa tabi ko ay dahil may kang sariling buhay. Na kaya ka nawala sandali sa tabi ko dahil may kaibigan at pamilya kang lang na binisita at babalikan mo pa rin akong bilang isang tunay na tao. I want a fucking human, Percival. So why aren't you acting like one?!"

Maang niya lang akong tiningnan." I'd fix myself."

Of course, he doesn't get my point." Only humans can do that."

Kinulong niya ako sa kanyang nagyeyelong yakap. But then I kiss him, I can taste his sweetness, innocence, and passion for things beyond me who he is kissing. He hungers for my lips as if he hungers for life he yearns to have. I stop. I know what to do now. Percival uttered." You are my goddess."

Napahiga ako sa tabi niya at niyakap siya. I made my decision. " Leave. If that's you want.I'm giving you permission to leave and come back, Percival----I'm allowing you limitless chance to say hello and goodbye to me."

"I'm here, Sheena."

"But you don't want to be----di mo kaya."

"Open your eyes, Hon"

"Let's not face reality this way, please..."

What if my happiness doesn't lie on normality or sanity?

Hindi mawala sa isip ko ang pinaghalong init, lamig at kawalan na nagmumula sa kanya. Nakatulog ako. But I feel crazy. Even in my slumber, I feel as if I have had a very long dream of the life I have lived and wish to have. Old people in my life are there, and new ones-even those who are figments of my fantasy.

But I woke up with an empty spot beside my bed.

Nawala nga siya...He's not here any more. I was left with a single message in my favorite journal, whose handwriting is so similar to the man who ruined my life with his love. Ralph and Percival are so similar after all-they are both liars.

Percival only left with this note. "I want to watch you be happy from afar."

I blankly stared at it; I couldn't understand how quickly my heartbeat dropped to soundlessness. Warmth and cold left me; my brain couldn't process hope or anger for him. Basta ko na lang pinunit ang pahina ng papel na naglalaman ng mensahe niya para sakin. Saka lumabas ako ng kwarto para umakyat sa attic.

That blank canvas is still there.

Blangko. Nanggaling si "Percival" dito, pero hindi siya bumalik dito. Nakakatawa kung iisipin kung paano siya nagpakilala sa akin noon. I walk towards it, and near my easel, I see my tools and brushes. Apart from my pallet knife, I saw a switchblade I didn't originally own. I flicked it open and stared at the white nothingness where my painting used to rest.

"It seems like----everything is out of the canvas now..."