Paper Memories

Chapter 26-III

Chapter 26-III

          "You just keep making my head hurt, Ronald---eto na naman..."

I might have lose my mind when I snuck in Ronald's house.

But then again nobody is here yet, he just live all alone in here but he's even back yet when its already past 10pm. My heart was erratic as I sat on their small and almost furnitureless sala. Hawak-hawak ko ang isang picture nila na nakuha ko sa kwarto niya, binaklas ko ang wooden frame para makuha ang mismong larawan sa loob. These are not his parents, but there are four of them in the picture, two of them are tall men in white robes, then there was a young Ronald who almost androgynous as a child--- then a young guy with a playful eyes and mischievous grin.

I can imagine his fucking happy family---- tapos bigla akong nakaamoy ng sigarilyo.

"Kahit para sa mga layas na katulad mo, sobrang gabi pa nang uwi mo." I greeted Ronald as soon as he open the door. Dahil sa simple at may kaliitan lang ang bahay nila ay tatambad ang sala at kusina sa mga bisitang papasok. I was silent all the time that perhaps he thought he'll arrive in an empty home. "Ang rami mong excuses sa akin noon. Akala ko trabaho-bahay ka lang."

"...Paano ka nakapasok dito?"

"Bukas yung pinto, kanina pa kita hinahanap."

"Ang talaga tinatanong ko ay bakit nanghihimasok sa buhay ko?" Ronald's thick jacket that always cover his wounds and marks just make him look younger now. Suddenly, he look so young now than ever that it made me snicker. Yung galit niya, mannerism niya at pangtataboy niya sa akin lahat na nag-s-sink in na sa akin." Hindi naman kita pinapunta dito, ha?"

"Stop smoking in front of me, di ka talaga napagsasabihan?"

"Bakit ba ang raming mong satsat?! Umali---------"

"It's because you're so young but you're ruining your life like this! At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat dahil alam ko nang naglayas ka!" My voice made him back away but most importantly it made him look at picture I'm holding which I almost crumple." D-Dati akala ko pinapabayaan ka lang ng parents, so I wanted to step in and help you...It turns out its worse than that."

Ronald hands are shaking as he inhaled from his cigarette. He kept eyeing on the picture on my hand."Pumunta ba dito...Si Kuya? Nakilala mo siya?"

Ah, that man from last time, he was also in the picture right now. Ronald's family. His Kuya, napailing na lang ako habang inaalala kung paano sila nung isa." Si Gregory ang nagsabi sa akin---- but I was waiting for you to tell me things yourself."

"Ang hihilig niyo mangialam. Ano naman sayo kung naglayas ako? At ikaw, Sheena. Ate Sheena! Wala kang pake o responsibilidad na magalit sa akin." Ronald made a mockery on how he calls me." Kahit saan man ako pumunta labas ka na dun! Hindi sayo ang buhay ko!"

"It's not like your dead father would suddenly come home if you wait here forever, right? For who? For another bastard on your life? Siya ang palagi ang palusot mo kahit sobrang mag-isa ka na. I-d-deny mo na wala kang taong pinagtutulakan-------pero hindi ka nakikinig sa gusto na magpa-uwi sayo mula nung umalis ka sa mga kamag-anak mo! You're so hardheaded it pisses me off that you don't undertand how anybody is worried about you! You're so young but you're living like this!"

Tumawa siya." Yan na naman. Bata ako. Eh ikaw diba babae ka lang?"

I covered my face." Ganto ka sa may concern sayo...?"

"Hindi ko hiningi ang pag-aalala ninyo o paulit-ulit na sermon ninyo. Ikaw, sila Kuya. Kayong lahat, hindi ba kayo naririndi?" Ronald spat bitterly. Ganto na naman siya, palagi pinagtutulukan ang gustong sumuporta sa kanya." Bored na bored ka na yata sa buhay, Sheena. Kaya kung kanino-nino ka na lang desparada. Huwag ka na magtiis sa akin, wala ka nang matutulong."

"...Ipakilala mo sa akin ang Kuya mo, your relative."

"Ano? Para saan? Labas ka na dun. Dadagdag ka pa sa kabaliwa----"

I slammed his family picture on the table, tossing it away.'"Maayos na ba sayo ang ganto? Ah! Nasabi pala ng mga kapitbahay mo na ni hindi nila na may nakatira pa dito. Halos nitong nakaraan lang nagkakuryente dito!!! Sa pinagttrabahuhan mo napaalis ka na nagkatambak-tambak ng absent mo-----ha pero ayos lang. Diba pinagtitiisan mo naman ang dalawang trabaho? Pwede ka naman maghanap ng bagong trabaho na pwede sayo diba? You didn't even finish school..."

"Umalis ka na, Sheena..." Bulong niya." Akin na yung picture namin..."

As Ronald was about to reach for his family picture I grab his hand, he was cold and trembling. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kamay niyang may hawak ng may sinid pang sigarilyo. "Ronald anong klaseng pamilya ang natitira pa ba sayo at ayaw mo umuwi? Kapag dun ka ba mas miserable kaysa sa buhay mo dito?! Why the fuck are you not letting anyone help you? Even me?! Come on let me meet them, I'd talk for them on your stead!"

"Ayoko, ipapahiya mo lang ako--- ang baba na nga ng tingin nila..."

"You just need to tell me what you want so I can support and help you." Sagot ko sa kanya at sapilatang inagaw ang sigarilyo niya. I am shaking as I hold it, and I can't even let go of Ronald's hands yet. Hindi ko maalis ang titig ko sa sindi nito at sa maliliit na paso na nakikita ko sa kamay ni Ronald." Kahit ano, Ronald. Kung gusto mo pang mas lalong layuan ang pamilya mo o maghintay pa rin dito. O kung gusto mo umuwi..."

He look me eye to eye, he stop struggling to take my hands off him. But he pointed at the fourth guy in the picture. " Hindi ako aalis dito... Hindi pa, hinihintay ko pa siya. Kuya ko. K-Kaya, lubayan mo na lang ako please? Mas lalo ako napapagalitan... Palagi nasasabihan... Tiniis lang naman kita... Ayoko na ng puro tanong. Bakit ba kasi kita kinaibigan?"

"Pag nandito na siya uuwi ka na? Isasama ka ba niya?" I tugged his hand as if to wake him, my fingers almost crush the cigarette. It's a fucking mess. Kaya diniin ko ang sigarilyo sa lamesa para patayin ang sindi nito, at dahil lang dun ay pinuwersa na ni Ronald na makalayo sa akin. Napatayo na lang ako para kumprontahin siya." Anong problema mo? Sasaktan ba kita katulad na lang ng pamilya mo?"

"Kawawa ba ako sa mata mo, Sheena?"

"I don't pity you, I love you."

His eyes glisted, he was just holding back tears afterall. He shook his head. Agad ko siyang niyakap at patuloy na kumapit sa kanya kahit mawalan na kami ng balanse. He was struggling so much but I want to show him I love him." Sinungaling ka, Sheena. Hindi ko naman kailangang ang kahit anong maibibigay mo. Awa man o pagmamahal."

"I love you, Ron."

"Tangina, tama na..."

"Sabihin mo sakin lahat, tungkol sa pamilya mo... Relatives mo... Yung Kuya mong hinihintay mo. Yung pagmamahal nila, galit nila... Lahat-lahat." I whispered to him as I hug him tigher. He wants to prove me wwrong but his tears finally fall from his eyes. He began sobbing harder in my shoulders now he knows he's all alone. " Sasamahan kita maghintay... Dito ka lang sa tabi... Samahan mo ako takasan ang mundo."

"Misan parehas kayo ni Kuya----parehas kayong mamilosopo."

"I am not him----we'll never be the same..."

Ronald can barely speak or move, he tries to push me off. He conditioned himself to be alone too much, Hindi ko siya hinayaan, gusto ko malaman niyang wala siyang kawala." A-Ate...Ate Sheena. Ikaw... Hindi mo ba ako iiwan?"