ALANA

61

ALANA

I squirm under the heavy arm across my waist.

"Aress." I whine making him grunt, tightening his arm, he pulls me closer. "Stop it hurts." I hiss at the sore feeling between my legs, gripping his forearm.

"What hurts?" He asks, looking at me in alarm.

"My, down there." I say wincing when I try to move.

"Fuck." Ares spits. "Do you want to take a shower?" he asks, rubbing the back of his head. He's cute when he's nervous.

"Maybe a bath later. I just want to cuddle and sleep now." I say contently. "It doesn't hurt if I don't move." I tell him. He hums, laying back down, gently placing his arm across my middle.

~

"Alana, wake up you haven't eaten yet." I hear Ares' voice say as someone touches my hair.

"Mm." I moan contentedly, peaking one eye open. "What do you mean?" I ask. He looks stressed, like something is bothering him.

"You never sleep so much, are you feeling alright?" he asks me. I nod, pushing myself up on my arms to sit but immediately regret it. "Still hurts?" he asks, a concerned expression on his face but theres also something else.

"No Im fine, just tired I guess." I push my hair back. "Did you eat?" I ask him. He shakes his head. "Are you okay? You look tense." I ask him again, to which he looks at me for a long moment before turning away.

"Yeah, come down for breakfast okay?" he says before walking out.

I frown at his odd behavior, slowly getting out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Once I am finished showering and changing into a pretty brown dress, I walk down the stairs with a cardigan in hand. I felt chilly after the shower.

Ares is sitting on the dining table, just staring off infront of him. He seems very distracted, it is completely unlike him to be lost in thought.

"Ares?" I ask making him snap out of his thoughts. He looks at me from head to toe, eyes coming back to settle on my face.

He then looks away, as if looking at me has caused inconvenience. This makes me frown.

We eat together in silence, then he leaves saying he has to make a call, disappearing somewhere in the big house. Sigh.

Later in the afternoon, the sun shines through the glass windows as I sit in the living room, reading. I see Ares coming down the stairs, looking at his watch then his eyes catch mine, the same stressed look taking over his face.

"What's wrong?" I ask him. He just shakes his head. I stand up, feeling upset at his lack of talking. "No, you've been looking stressed all day, what is wrong?" I demand, standing right infront of him looking up at his face.

"There's some security issues here, I was just thinking we should cut the trip short and go home, it's where you're safest." he runs a hand through his hair.

"Okay." I say.

"Okay? You don't mind cutting the trip short?" He asks me.

"No. It's not like we're honeymooning,we don't even really talk, might as well go home." I shrug. I see his eyes darken and him looking away again.

"Tell me what it is that is bothering you. Is it me? Do you want me to stay in the room so you don't have to see me?" I ask.

Sometimes father would lock me in my room because he had days where he couldn't look at me without getting stressed and angry.

"No why would you think that?" he asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

"You seem to frown and look stressed around me. I just saw you looking normal going about your day, then you saw me and it was like you had seen your biggest burden." My voice is thick, my throat chocked up with tears. Oh. I am his biggest burden.

"No that's not what- It's nothing okay." He says, going to walk past me but I grab his wrist.

"What did I do?" I whisper, on the verge of tears.

"Nothing! You did nothing wrong!" he screams making me flinch back, taking my hand away from him. "I took something of yours selfishly, something that I do not have anything like to give back to you. I cannot and I don't love you." he says forcefully. My heart drops at his words, the world seems to go by slower.

I did not have sex with him so he would love me. But I did not think he would take it off the table completely. I never knew how he feels about this so strongly.

"Ofcourse you don't, we have just only begun to build-"

"There is nothing to build here Alana. I cannot ever love. I will not allow myself to love someone like I loved my sister. That almost broke me, I will never love again!"
he says. "I do not want to build a marriage. I don't want that hanging over my head. I don't want even more baggage!"

My heart seems to ache, as if it would burst out of my chest. Im baggage.

"You've never loved anyone?" I ask him.

"No, and I will never want this marriage, I will never want to make a family, I cannot give you anything because I don't have anything to give. I don't want children or the love that most married people share." He takes a deep breath. "I cannot be what you want and I am so sorry I took something so important from you." He finishes.

Tears pour out of my eyes, my ears ringing, everything he just said repeating itself in my brain.

My hand instinctively goes to my stomach. Maybe I feel sick.

I feel my steps falter and I stagger backwards making Ares immediately reach out a hand but I hold mine out in a stop motion. He freezes, not coming any closer.

Children. Love. Marriage.

Happiness.

It was never in the cards for me. Last night meant nothing to him. Our actions were carnal. There was no emotion behind what we did. Ofcourse he wouldn't want to love me. I was and always will be a burden on his existence.

I feel my lip tremble but I compose myself. Fine. Then he will not have to deal with me or my emotions ever again. I won't let myself be his baggage.

Never again will I make myself an object to his concern.

I pat under my eyes, catching some tears and nod my head once, not looking at him, turning around and walking towards the stairs.

"Alana." He says making my feet halt. "Will you not say anything?" he asks. I look to my side so I can see him in my peripheral vision, speaking over my shoulder;

"I will not be the reason of your concern from now on. Forgive me Xander, I had forgotten myself." I speak, my voice wavering. I continue to walk up the stairs not waiting for his reply.

Once I am inside the bathroom, I close the door, sliding down against it in defeat. I feel a sob bubble up so I press my hand to my mouth, not wanting to be loud.

Never again will I let myself feel anything for Ares Moretti.