My Head's Above Water

5

I love you... Still. I think I always will. The text broke my heart to send. It's been 6 months since the fights turned to silence. Our lives no longer included the other. I know he's moved on. Began a new life with a new love. But I will never be able to get over your. He will always have the bleeding, cracked heart that beats pitifully in my chest.

I've tried everything to distract myself; drugs, alcohol, relationships, sex. Nothing. Nothing will dull the pain of knowing he would never be mine again.

His heart belonged to another weeks before we were done. Sneaking around. Giving someone the love that I begged for. It took him less than 3 months for him to ask her to marry him after it was official. He moved on before I even had the chance to process the loss. I wondered why I wasn't good enough for him.

I cried myself to sleep every night, hoping I could hold him again. Feel his presence surround me again. Memories passing by as I close my eyes. Regret eating me from the inside out.

I've been watching him succeed without me, and it breaks my heart. But just as I promised, I pray and cheer for his successes. "I love you," I whisper into his stuffed bear. The same bear I gave him the second time I traveled the 8 hours to see him. It still smells like him. Maybe that's all in my brain. It probably is, but I swear if I close my eyes, I can still smell him. The cologne I chose for him, the shampoo I used to massage into his hair (it's a texture thing), the body wash we shared, the gel he used in his hair. But it's deeper than that, I can smell HIM.

I will love him until my lungs give out. Painfully squeezing out my final breath. He was my everything. I needed him more than I needed air, or food, or water. I loved him more than my favorite restaurant, or froyo, or fuzzy blankets, or coffee scented candles.

I would choose him again and again. I would tear myself apart to make him happy and whole. It's crazy but, even in our fights, he was my safe place, my light. He shined so bright. The shine I watched dull as the ending began.

I still love you, forever and always.